Hosparus Called… Peace and Care for my Bobby


It’s about 1:30am… 

I hear my Bobby up…

Our “normal” lately…

Haven’t slept a whole night in quite a while…

I know he is hurting…

Needing his pain meds… But, not wanting to wake me…

As of this past week… We decided with advice from VA Doctors… 

To call Hosparus… for care….

Bobby has taken a turn with this cancer…

And it came on quickly when it did…

Going from eating to not…

Going from moving and doing to not…

Going from getting up and getting dressed in case he needed to go somewhere to not…

Going to having more pain in lower abdomen… Spreading to right side side…

Going to dry heaves causing him not to want to chance eating and going through it…

Going to quitting eating… because of pain it causes…

Bowels not moving… Pills to try and help… But, not….

Going to having anxiety attacks that scared me… and him…

Severe PTSD…

More meds for that…

The Hosparus Team came for visit…

The admitting nurse before that…

Coming to us…

Knowing he needs to recerve all of his energies he has left…

The team includes a nurse, a social worker, a chaplain… with a coordinator they report to…

Kindness in all aspects…

My Bobby their main priority…

along with me…

No matter how hard you try to accept and try to adjust your mind to this happening….

There’s just no way!…

Already after assessing him…

Morphine has been ordered… that had arrived from FedEx… It was in a package of items for “later” use I thought…

But, yesterday I was called and instructed to open it and how to give dosages of it…

Each of these steps… takes more out of me…

The room is ready…

A hospital bed will come next… I can tell…

His any chance of Joy is deleting daily…

A visit from sisters raises his spirit minutely…

He says, ” I love them coming… Seeing them and talking…

But, I will hate to see them leave” … Living in Georgia…

There will be so many…”no mores”…

Our short trips…

Eating out…

Our vacations with the kids…

Our spur of the moment hot donut runs when it’s cold…

Sitting in our glider with all the neighbors laughing and talking…

Family get togethers…

Celebrations of birthdays… anniversaries… Cookouts on the 4th of July…

Christmas Eve, watching grandkids open presents…

Talks with the boys…

Laughing with Brian…

Ticket scratching with Doug…

Trips to the boat with Carolyn…

Melanie’s good cooking…

We made it to our 49th Wedding Anniversary…

Although wanted 50…

Just seemed like a “magic number”…

He thinks of these things…

His mind swirling with the “no mores”…

The many trips to visit his family in Georgia…

He says, “It’s not me leaving… It’s that my life here on Earth was so good… as he looks at me… I just can’t bare leaving it”…

He expresses his Love for me every day… Which he always did…

I’m trying to reassure him that I will be fine…

But, I wonder…

I tell him, “The boys will need me and I them… and we will help each other”…

I tell him, “I will have friends, family and neighbors to comfort me”…

I tell him, “I am strong when push comes to shove… and will make it”…

But, I wonder…

I think I have grieved for 3 years already…

Makes you wonder how many tears can flow…

How much can your heart take before it bursts!…

He is sleeping soundly now…

That lite snoring sound…

He startled awake from a dream…

And I reassure him…

“I am here”…

as I know Our Lord is too…

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This entry was posted on February 16, 2018. 7 Comments

Faith … You have to have…


As I sit here and watch my Bobby sleeping…

which he does a lot lately…

Cat naps are a must!…

I think of all ahead…

It comes in waves…

The immediate needs…

The things I need to get rid of…

My boys and the loss of their Dad…

My Grandkids losing another Grandfather…

So many friends and family members who have been by our side in this journey…

I will more than likely move from this home we made together…

I will not need to keep a house that I will have to make repairs to…

Grass that will need cutting…

Snow that will need to be shoveled…

No… I will not burden my boys with this when they have their own things to care for…

Some people probably think I can be “direct” in my talking sometimes…

My goals of getting the house in a selling mode as best we can…

Looking for an apartment that I can afford… But, also in a safe area… 

Let me tell you… Scary… Living alone can have its good points and bad…

I’m sure a vulnerability will be felt…

Moneys will be affected…

Glad I have my retirement… And Bobby’s social security…

And although Bobby had a disibilty compensation from VA… It will not be given to me…

Because Colon Cancer is not covered as Service Connected…

Although they say at VA… It probably will be in the future… Due to Agent Orange… Most all cancers are related to the Agent Orange being sprayed… Especially in the area where Bobby fought…  Cu Chi Vietnam…

But, not colon!…

As of now I watch my Bobby with severe dry heaving… 

As if his body wants to exit this cancer that is taking over his body… More and more each day…

Nausea meds…

Meds for bowel movements…

Pain meds being taken more often I notice…

They make him have such side effects…

Almost as bad as Chemo…

You might have noticed me talking of the boys getting the spare bedroom redone…

Oh, did it need it…

My thought is to have a quiet… clean… room… For him to have when a hospital bed is needed… When visitors come… A place for some refuge… Where we can sit and talk… A place to be comfortable as possible… 

But, mainly… My Bobby will be home…

His desire and mine…

I’ve talked to VA Oncology department… And Hospice will be our next step…

Bobby will have imput as to when he feels that is needed…

As of this morning…

He has had the dry heaves…

Finally ate a half a piece of toast… A few sips of milk…

Our go to in mornings…

Sleeping on couch again…

Because of the exhaustion that is his body’s way of recuperating…

Meds of course effect this too…

Every week I feel I will call for Hospice help…

But, with his determination and strong will…

He will regroup for a day…

And try with all his might to keep doing…

I have learned the strength my husband has…

My admiration and love only magnifys…

I do ask for prayers…

And I do still look to our Lord for guidance…

Amen

This entry was posted on February 11, 2018. 5 Comments

Eclectic Home…

My Dad had the little girl fishing in our home for many years… I added the little boy… Placing them on a small chair for a shelf in my kitchen…

Pears are in my wallpaper border… So this one I found in metal holds good smelling candles… In my kitchen…

This tulip picture is porcelain… I love little accents put  in odd spots… like a surprise! It is hung under another picture in my living room…

I fell in love with this old picture already framed… of a man going fishing… walking down a country road crossing over a bridge… Hangs in my living room…

This table was refinished by my husband… I liked it at first sight… Although covered with paint… I knew it would be great when Bobby followed my idea of how I wanted it… Just love it as a small coffee table…

I look around our home…

and see that if people want to…

They can make their home their own…in decorating…

Of course my love of the old, new, unique makes our home very eclectic…

I remember that word especially from when I went to the Interior Design Institute…

I knew that word described my taste…

Love for those special items that speak to me…

Finding it…

Knowing where it will be placed…

And something no one else would like until they see it fitting in with my decorating…

I really think this gift of placing things…

was due to my “have to” state…

Not wealthy…

Never really having the funds to just go out and pick an item without thought…

But, also realize this was a gift God had bestowed on me…

That… With Bobby’s abilities of repairing… Creating… Making things “work” when others would give up…

Another example of this great team we have made…

I picked up this picture at least three times… Deciding to get it or not… My desire and like overcame my need… And it now hangs in my hall..

This little blue cat is one of those little accent pieces that you just add for fun… In bathroom…

The crosses have been in my hall a long time… have never tired of them… and many have claimed them if I ever get tired of them… Not happening… but, the little girl playing music caught my eye even though old … I thought it was beautiful…

This Teapot just caught my eye… due to it being a design I remember from being a young child… ” Been Franklin” maybe…Another item I found… A Brown Glass Oil Lamp… Can come in quite useful with a power outage…

This Cookie Jar is clear glass… The better to see the goodies inside!

Enjoy making your home your own!

This entry was posted on February 5, 2018. 8 Comments

But, Few Will Know It…

A new year has begun…

From what Doctors say, “Your husband will die soon”…

How do I make any resolution???

How do I prepare for this???

My thoughts are just going around and around in my head…

Nothing seems very important right now…

I go through the motions of life, but have no joy…

I want to!

I want to look into the future…

How will I keep going…

How will I live without my best friend…

My soul mate…
My goals are just to be with my Bobby…

Stay close…

Make his favorite foods…

Kiss him unexpectedly…

Hold him close… Never wanting to let go…

Go places when he feels like it…

Hold hands… and just sit quietly…

We pray… A miracle would be what we would like… and I am not ashamed to ask my God for it…

We have weathered 3 years… Miraculous I feel…

So… We may have had a miracle…

And I am grateful as Bobby is…

Without our Lord…

We would have wasted the time we were given…

We have been blessed beyond belief…

Friends… Family… Even Strangers I have come in touch with… 

have prayed for us…

To have lived with such a good man…

Watching him teach his son’s through his actions and words…

Was a joy to watch…

They know his love…

And will miss him deeply…

He made a wonderful impression on them through his hard working ethics…

His love for me shown through…

He is beginning to hurt where cancer lies…

But, few will know that…

His tummy is so bloated and tight…

But, few will know that…

He is nauseated some mornings with dry heaves…

But, few will know that…

He sleeps a lot…

Energy zapped…

But, few will know that…

He has sleepless nights with worries of how we will be when he has to leave…

But, few will know that…

He makes his way through the day… Gets dressed… Readies hisself to face the day… With a strength that is amazing to me…

But, few will know that…

So…

As 2018 begins… We will take one day at a time…

My word for the year seems to be PEACE…

PEACE of mind…

PEACE in decisions…

PEACE of actions we take…

PEACE in our Faith…

PEACE for our land…

Praying for as many days as the Lord sees fit to give us…

Amen 

This entry was posted on January 2, 2018. 10 Comments

Foods of Christmas Holidays

We have been overwhelmed with FOOD during these Holidays…

We had numerous gifts that came in the mail as surprises… that contained a delicious assortment of specialty foods…

After I had made NUMEROUS batches of Chocolate and Peanut Butter fudge… Bacon/Smoky Cheddar Cheese Balls… For my gifts to several neighbors and to take to parties… we began with the mail bringing wonderful baskets of foods…

Country Ham…

Jams (Strawberry & Blackberry)…

Cheeses…

Nuts/Chocolate Coated Pretzels…

Candies…

Fresh Fruits of Apples, Pears, Oranges, Grapes…

Cookies…

Sausage…

Fudges…

Fruit Cake…

I think you are getting the picture!…

And YES… We ate or tasted most everything!…

And the freezer is full…

We had Christmas Wine and Sparkling Cider…

We were quite overwhelmed with the gifts…

Because we know these gifts represent LOVE…

It represents KINDNESS…

It represents CARING…

We were taken out to eat…

which is always pleasant…

With wonderful conversation…

Meals at homes that are prepared with the giving of the heart…

Prepared with their hands… Thinking of those they are preparing for…

This morning was no different…

I really like Panettone Bread….

and I love making French Toast with it…

Nothing  like it on a cold winter morning…


 

 

 

 

This entry was posted on December 30, 2017. 4 Comments

Living Life By Special Events…

With the Christmas Season upon us… It has kept me busy…
I need that!…

I can always find something to do…

I have made fudge this year for Bobby’s three sisters who live in Georgia…

And made books for them of the Honor Flight to Washington DC…. That we went on earlier this Fall…

Lots of photos of their brother…

Thought it would be a good memory to keep…

They all have called and expressed how much they liked the books…( fudge too!)…

I also made Snowmen Microwave Popcorn gifts…

I make tobbogans out of scarves and new socks… For these cute little gifts… and people always like them…

I also made Cheeseballs for a few people too…

I had purchased several Christmas Snack Dishes with Spreaders for these gifts…

Recipe:

1- 8 oz. Package Cream Cheese

2/3 cup white cheddar shredded cheese… (I found Smoky Bacon White Cheddar)… Worked good!

1-tsp. Garlic Powder

12- slices of bacon ( fried crispy and drained)… Chopped

1/2 cup toasted Pecans… Chopped

1/2 cup Chives ( I used dried)

Combine all ingredients but, only use 1/2 of bacon, pecans and chives in mixture…

Form in ball… Then roll in rest of bacon, pecans and chives

Refigerate…

It was quite tasty… As I made one for me to eat with crackers…

I added a sleeve of butter crackers to gift…

Any crackers will do of course…

…………………………………………………

Bobby is having some pains in his stomach area…

And we feel a lump in abdomin…

Where cancer is…

We feel it is starting to spread…

So you see… Why I have immersed myself in keeping busy with making my homemade gifts…

We have been blessed with

Visits…

Gifts…

Cards…

Phone calls…

And invites…

We will be going to our youngest son’s home for Christmas Eve…

We will have Joy seeing our little family…

Youngest son and daughter-in-law…

Her Mother… She lost her husband to cancer three years ago…

My oldest son…

Bobby and I….

And our wonderful three Grandchildren…

We will have Dinner… Visit… Play games… and Open Presents…

Christmas Day we will go to a niece’s home to visit with my sister’s kids…

Love them like my own…

As of now…

We are still praying for time…

We seem to measure everything we do by the next event…

Christmas… New Year’s… Birthdays… etc. …

Not a good way to spend our cherished moments…

But, can’t help it…

I thank all who have followed our journey…

We wanted so bad to read 50 years of marriage…

I do believe we will make it to 49… Which is February 1, 2018…

At least that is my prayer…

Christmas At Our House

We have gone to a smaller tree in the last few years…

I decorated it as a Snowflake Tree… Silver and White…

Snowmen decorate the bathroom…

They make me smile… And Frosty on the piano plays songs…

Snoopy and friends decorate buffet…
I gave our original Nativity to my Grandson…49 years old..but, love this simplistic version of gold/white…

Coffee Table has my white birds…sitting on pine cones…simple and pretty…

Kitchen Table holds my red ornament tree/ wreath… love the color RED at Christmas!

A Santa Photo hangs near door… 

The small Indian Nativity was a find at the thrift store…I thought the feather was appropriate for a tree… Sits on my window sill in my kitchen…

If I Like something I use it…

I made these snowmen out of plastic Halloween baskets… They now sit at the steps coming into the front door…

Hope you have decorated a little…

Fun to do !

This entry was posted on December 5, 2017. 2 Comments