Prayer Time

I sit outside every morning if weather permits…

I love hearing the birds…

Watching the squirrels…

And seeing the sun slowly turn the dark into a bright day…

The sun takes awhile coming up over the hill above our home…

I try and wait until I see the rays of the sun shine through the trees…

A most magnificent sight!…

I feel I can connect with God at these times…

He says go to where you a least distracted to be with Him…

when saying your prayers…

But, even in this quiet setting… My mind will wander…

I have so many on my mind with needs I cannot take care…

I don’t have the skills of a Doctor…

I don’t have the skills of a Psychiatrist…

I can’t heal the thoughts going on in another’s mind…

But, I know my God has!…

So, I pray desperately to Him to relieve pain…

To hold those suffering from depression… In His loving arms…

To speak to their souls with comforting words that only our minds detect…

To feel a strength we didn’t know we had…

I then thank Him for the many blessings I encounter every day…

Kind words…

Helping hands…

Invitations to be with others…

A loving touch…

Try your best to keep the distractions of this busy, loud, overpowering world from interfering with your prayer time…

Let God be able to hear your petitions…

But, also where You can hear His voice…

Amen

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This entry was posted on June 17, 2018. 7 Comments

Staying Busy… Together!

I’m waiting on Lowe’s to deliver wood planks/posts, deck paint and concrete for deck repair… Plywood for shed repairs…

I already have bought brushes, rollers and other things needed to paint deck…

Brian, Melanie and Carson worked hard to empty shed and pull up boards from deck that had deteriorated… Two post holes dug for new post on lower deck…

I have piles of rusted, old, odds and ends… my Bobby couldn’t part with…

The boys have salvaged what they wanted or could use…

I’m so grateful for the willing help…

Things I need to get done to either sell the house or stay if it’s God’s will…

I’m listening close to his answer as to what I should do…

All I see at times is the work it takes to keep up a home…

Then, of course you go over the benefits of neighbors, memories and comfort…

I have to have some guidance…

and Lord you will lead me I know in this decision…

My Doug has trimmed shrubs, painted the porch and cleaned out lots from basement area…

God Bless him!…

When he is here for a few days…

I lift nothing heavy…

Groceries are carried in…

Garbage taken out…

Even bathrooms cleaned…

I have two wonderful son’s with lots of talents and skills…

Thanks to their father…

I’m pretty good at clean-up crew detail…

Paperwork is completed…

I know now what I can budget…

I’m fortunate to be able to suffice… Do things I need and want to do…

Vacation with kids in July…

Our big trip of beach, travel and relaxing…( This was last year)

I believe it will do all of us good…

We usually celebrated Bobby’s birthday at beach…

Being in July…

Maybe in some symbolic gesture…

We will!…

I admit I miss him so much…

Everything you hear from others is truthful…

Tears come so hard it just shakes your body…

Smiles of sweet memories cross your mouth…

You seem to hide the sorrow deep inside at times…

And then it pops up unexpectedly!…

To have so many wonderful years is what I dwell on…

The Love we had was special…

We could answer each other without words being spoken…

The boys want to ask him questions…

I just want to be held by him…

Days will go by…

Things will change…

But, our love and memories will never die…

This entry was posted on June 12, 2018. 2 Comments

Early Morning Thoughts…

It has been exactly one month since my Bobby passed…

I find it hard to say the word “died”…

because I feel he is “Living” more today than ever…

He passed from this world into such a much more beautiful world that no one can actually describe…

a world promised by our Lord…

and as humans… we want to make it a hard accomplishment…

but, it is not!…

Just the acceptance of Jesus who died for our sins…

letting Him guide us and direct us by being in His presence…

I cannot explain the joy and happiness my Bobby and I felt as we were guided each day by letting God come along on our journey…

Now…

MY journey will continue…

My loss of a wonderful husband and Father to our children…

is painful at times…

I miss him so…

but, my gratefulness of having him by my side for 49 years is my comfort…

He taught me and the boys real love…

He loved me and the boys so much…

He spoke words of wisdom that we will carry with us…

I will always hear his voice reassuring me…

I will feel the strength he showed me…

I will remember his honest and humble ways…

His touch is what I miss most…

Our conversations…

Our laughter…

Our looks that we only understood…

Our thoughts that we shared without even having to speak words…

How wonderful that was…

I thank you Jesus for letting us meet…

and having our life to share with each other…

Forever grateful!

AMEN

 

 

This entry was posted on May 28, 2018. 5 Comments

Victory

It’s been one week today that my Bobby died in my arms…

What those last two weeks brought… Will be in my mind for a long time…

The cancer was taking his body as a devoring animal…

Weakening him rapidly…

The cancer has no mercy…

It moves through the body… Attacking organs as it goes…

Making the human body succumb to a weakened state…

With no eating or drinking…

The cancer is finally beaten…

But, the cost is a loving, beautiful life…

I had heard of this desease’s fierceness…

It was all that and more…

It has to be the work of Satan…

I have no doubt…

But, our God ruled in the end…

Staying close to us…

Giving strength that only He could give us…

And finally lifting the spirit of our loved one into His arms…

Wrapping them in a Peace and Glory that relieves them from this wicked world…

Praise be to my Heavenly Father…

You have the Victory!

This entry was posted on May 10, 2018. 5 Comments

Last Day… Humbled…

Sunflowers brought earlier in day by niece…

I cannot even explain my feelings right now…

Maybe I’m just numb…

Maybe I’m just so tired…

Maybe I’m just OK…

This journey of ours started in 2015…

I have tried to document my Bobby’s and my feelings since then until yesterday about 4:45pm…

April 28, 2018…

Actual time of death recorded … 5:27pm…

After being checked by Hosparus nurse… Listening for heartbeat…

Our final two weeks went like a flash…

Excellerating every day…

So many changes… Happening quickly…

Complete loss of appetite… After me actually spoon feeding him bites of soup and pudding…

Very little liquids…

Me trying to entice him to drink…

Gatorade…Water…Juices…Coffee….

His “go to” being…

Chocolate Carnation Instant Breakfast…

Chocolate Ovaltine…

And a request for Buttermilk…

Which I never even knew he liked…

I reviewed my list of giving medications…

Morphine starting Saturday, February 17,2018…

Increased gradually…

Anxiety medication given along with it…

The weakness overtook his body…

Since no nourishment was being taken in bit by bit…

After contacting Hosparus nurses with my observations…

They concluded that what I was seeing was definitely being played out…

We were losing our fight… 

Cancer was going to claim another beautiful soul…

After walking with walker… 

Even that was not possible…

Our Sunshine Room would come into being…

 our place for our last days together…

Bed was the only answer…

My oldest son was able to stay with me…

He learned a lot in two weeks in caring for his Dad…

I had to call on him so many times…

For his strength in transferring his Dad from bed to potty chair…

From bed to his chair for a few minutes…

One night… We looked at each other…

Knowing there would be no more getting up…

Sad moments for my Bobby…

His dignity had been taken in so many ways…

This seemed to finalize it…

I had to concede…

Too much for me alone…

Too much for Doug and I together even…

I asked for help that had been offered…

And was so very grateful for all that was given…

I requested for him to be washed… Keeping him clean…

Keeping him comfortable…

Least pain possible…

The CNA came in with gentle ways…

Bathing him…

Shaving him…

Washing his hair…

Creaming him…

Clean clothes…

Protecting his frail body…

Turning him in bed…

My sister, by this time would not leave my side…

Spending the night…

Sleeping on my couch…

Rotating times for many breaks…

In the middle of the night… I continued to call on my Doug for his strength and help…

One night the “moaning” started…

Nurses insuring me he was not actually hurting…

He moaned constantly all that night…

All the next day…

And then the second night…

I played light music…

Talked to him…

Held his hand…

Read to him…

And prayed…

People came in for brief visits…

Jill sleeping near…

He rousing enough to try and focus his eyes…

And always a kind word to them…

Yesterday… another change…

They call it the “death rattle”…

Actually hate that title…

Fluids building up…

Making a horrific sound…

Still… no pain they say…

Just sounds horrible for people listening…

All day…

 until I went in to check on him…

And then having to go into action to try and help him…

I could tell he was in distress…

Lifting him up in my arms… to raise him…

Hollering for my son to raise the head of the bed…

My sister right there as Doug says, “I can’t do this!”…

Leaving room after getting bed raised…

I continued to hold him up…

Hugging him to me…

Reassuring him I was there…

Talking to him as he took his final breaths…

Kissing his precious face…

Jesus had been called on to take him with him… Now!…

And He quietened him… In peace…

Breathing slowed…

Me holding him as his last breath was taken…

Feeling his chest for his last heartbeat…

Seconds and minutes was all it was…

But, seemed much longer…

His fight of three years was done…

Called Hosparus…

Sending nurse immediately!…

Called Brian…

Called family/ friends…

As we waited…

After nurse listened to him…

Pronounced time of death…

She proceeded with her duties in the most kind… gentle way…

He was washed…

Clean clothes of the softest T-shirt…

Pajamas… and I wanted socks on his feet…

She covered him in his red, white and blue quilt like he was sleeping…

such peace on his face…

Neighbor friends surrounded us…

My living room full…

They came for last good-byes…

The Love shown to me and my two sons will never be forgotten…

Timing was perfect…

A God thing… I have no doubt…

Finally… Funeral Home arrived…

A hard part for sure…

Watching them carefully take him from our home for the last time…

My Brian and Doug devastated…

As their Mom…

I immediately prayed for their heartache…

We hugged…. kissed…

Held each other tight…

My sunshine shows up just as I was going to eat a bite…

My sunshine being my oldest Granddaughter…

We sat as I nibbled…

My daughter-in-law had sent food…

She lightened us with her presence…

Her dog Dexter… Giving me doggie kisses as he begged for bites…

We hugged… cried… as she left to go home…

Most wonderful way to close my day…

Just Have Faith…

We are now using our “Sunshine Room”…

I called Hosparus nurses to come evaluate my Bobby…

I needed a reassurance that I was seeing signs of change…

Time for us to move him to his quiet room… Filled with Sunflowers…

Everything had been made ready…

A comfortable place to sleep and rest…

A chair for me or visitors to sit…

A place to be close…

The Lord has granted Bobby two nights of peaceful sleep…

And me some hours too…

To rest my body and mind…

Our cat Jill…

Keeps me notified if she thinks my Bobby needs to be looked at… Maybe medicine time?… Or just holding his hand and whispering “I love you”…

She meows… Leading me to the bedroom door…

Sitting at doorway… Looking in…

Strange and precious…

 My sister has spent the night a few times…

Neighbors have been at my doorstep…

Visitors of nephew, nieces, great nieces, friends…the boys…daughter-in-law, grandchildren, brother…

Sweet words across distances…from a cousin…his sister’s…

My Lord has never forsaken us…

A long prayer sometimes…

A quick one sometimes…

All answered in due time…

Donuts…cookies… Treats that serve all who enter our door…

I watch as he sleeps…  I look for breathing at times… The up and down of his chest…

Even laying my hand on him…

He opens his eyes for brief moments…

As I continue pain and anxiety medications to keep him calm and pain free…

I will have nurses this coming week… Three times a week instead of one…

I’ve been offered help in bathing and such…

But, I told them I wanted to care for him at least one more weekend…

Until he needs more than what I am able to give…

The Hosparus Team…

Have given me wonderful support…

Answering my questions…

Coming an extra trip for my reassurance…

Explaining issues clearly…

Offering any help with equipment… to medications… to kind words…

Our journey of three years has been painful at times…

Heartbreaking at times…

A learning process at times…

The people who have been our support…

What can I say???

My Dad would say…”Just say Thank You!”…

My niece brought this to me yesterday…

Thanks my Puppet!

This entry was posted on April 22, 2018. 7 Comments

Last Weeks… Maybe Days…

That’s what I have been told…

Actually I read it in the Hosperas book that I was given a little over a month ago…

The nurse handed it to me… Marking the page… And said read…

It’s  summation of things that will happen nearing the end of a cancer…

(terminally ill) person…

Let’s say…

My Bobby is hitting lots of the issues…

No eating… Refusal to eat!…

NO energy… Sleeping most of the time… But, restlass when does…

Actually barely able to walk with a walker to the bathroom… 

*mental note… Get a potty chair closer to him…

Not drinking…

Hallucinating from drug (morphine)…

“Sees things like in 3D”, he tells me…

Hears things… Getting very agitated with me if I say, “No one at door”…
Or, ” You are just dreaming babe”…

Change in skin… color and texture…

Not getting rid of mucus like before…

Decrease in urine output… And bowel movement…

Pet (our Jill) acting different… Hovering close…

Feet swelling…

Talks so low… More of a mumble… 

Of course very agitated if I ask him to repeat…

These are issues listed + a few more…

We have most!…

Final One Week or Two” is the sub heading …

So… we have to have lots of patience… 

Love him… Keeping as safe and comfortable as possible…

I failed to mention… He has fallen 3 times…

All preventable if he would have not tried to walk on own…

But, that’s a natural reaction… Wanting to not ask for help… Thinking he could do it…

I was here…

Once only 4-5 ft. away… Other time in another room…

Thank goodness… Not hurt at all…

Lifting him with what little strength he has left… to give me …

From laying down, to knees, to ottoman, to walker…

We did manage…

Pain can be managed…
They reassure me and him of that…

He asks, “How much time”…

My heart can’t bring me to say those words…

And it is not for me to know anyway…

I can only speculate with those who have seen this scenario so many times…

But, time is drawing near…

When agitated …

We pray together… Read from our comforting book…

And sit and hold each other…

I plant kisses on his face and head so many times a day…

I try to keep him clean… Smelling good…

Washing body by hand… Creaming his dry feet, legs and arms…

Change his clothes…

Even shaved and trimmed hair right where he sits in his recliner…

Not, perfect… but, both of us felt better…

These are the things I have heard “Others”… talk about in that care giver mode…

And now know first hand…

What a devastating desease…

Wrecking havoc with the fragile body we have…

Watching until you actually will welcome death…

To ease their pain and life that seems to have nothing else to give…

And for yourself even…

Being so weary…

So tired…

Feeling so helpless…

Eyes wanting to shut…

Body just wanting to stretch out and give in to blissfill sleep…

What a gambit of emotions!

But, I will say…

When asking God to help us…

He has not failed us…

Giving us Peace…

Giving us answers…

Giving us a Love that is felt throughout even a sick or weary body…

Thank you Lord…