Christmas At Our House

We have gone to a smaller tree in the last few years…

I decorated it as a Snowflake Tree… Silver and White…

Snowmen decorate the bathroom…

They make me smile… And Frosty on the piano plays songs…

Snoopy and friends decorate buffet…
I gave our original Nativity to my Grandson…49 years old..but, love this simplistic version of gold/white…

Coffee Table has my white birds…sitting on pine cones…simple and pretty…

Kitchen Table holds my red ornament tree/ wreath… love the color RED at Christmas!

A Santa Photo hangs near door… 

The small Indian Nativity was a find at the thrift store…I thought the feather was appropriate for a tree… Sits on my window sill in my kitchen…

If I Like something I use it…

I made these snowmen out of plastic Halloween baskets… They now sit at the steps coming into the front door…

Hope you have decorated a little…

Fun to do !

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This entry was posted on December 5, 2017. 2 Comments

Holidays… Are not always joyful…

We are going through the motions…

That is not the best way to enjoy what should be Happy Times…

We pull out the tree to decorate for Christmas…

It is a tradition we have always done…

It’s pretty…

Like the soft lights…

And Jill our cat…

Likes to lay near…

A few other things spread to other rooms…

But, just a little this year…

I keep giving away and cleaning out where there will just be the minimum to deal with…

Keeping just the items that bring a smile…

Even if ever so small…

We have in our minds that this is going to be our last Christmas together…

Being told you have 6 months to live…

Does not make for happy thoughts…

Nothing seems important…

Why do anything???

Why look forward… Next year doesn’t matter…

Our life together will be no more…

And no matter how hard you try to go through the motions…

The same feeling overpowers you…

An emptiness…

A dread…

An unknowing…

A sadness that just breaks you…

I love the kind words…

The treats brought by…

The phone calls…

So… Don’t stop…

The heart pain leaves for a few moments…

It’ s not our faith…

It’s the humaness that we have…

The tears that fall…

The heaviness in your chest…

The wrenching numbness of the feelings you “don’t have”…

So…

As we comfort each other…

Hold tight to each other like we never want that moment to pass…

Look at each other to try and remember every smile… Every emotion that crosses the other’s face…

The smell…

The touch…

The listening of the voice… That you hope you can recall later…

So…

If we seem quiet…

Smile less…

Stay home more…

Sleep a lot…

It is just us trying… But, never will…

Adjusting to the thoughts in our minds that just drain us of all emotions that should be expressed at this time of year…

I ask Dear Lord for forgiveness of our weakness…

Our desperation to understand…

And thank you for the time we asked for…

Not knowing…

There is never enough time…

Amen




This entry was posted on November 27, 2017. 4 Comments

Prepare Yourself

I find it hard to write anymore…

I get up every day to the thought that my Bobby will not be with me some day soon…

I try not to dwell on this… But, it seems it will be the reality…

My mind so full of the things I need to prepare for…

My partner for what will be 49 years this coming February 1st…

How do I keep on going without him…

I hear the Lord talking in my ear…

YOU  will be OK…

I try to grasp that concept…

Hard!

I know I will have to be strong…

With all of the decisions that will have to be made…

I  will have to have a clear mind…

I will have to be the shoulders for my sons to lean on…

When all of the time I am feeling so weak…

I will have to be the one to hold my Bobby close and reassure him that I will be able to stand alone…

To keep myself from wanting to follow him…

I will have to decide to stay in our home we made together…

Or start a different life somewhere else…

I love that my Lord keeps giving me guidance…

I hear that calm still voice saying…

“Just wait until those situations need to be met… Wait until those questions need to be answered”…

“Do what small things you can do…

Clean out that drawer…

Clean out the clutter…

Clean your soul…

To be prepared…

Spend time with your Bobby…

Love those around you as “I” have asked…

Continue the work that “I” have placed in front of you…

“I” have plans for you…

Plans that “I” only know…

And so… With His voice in my ear…

I will be given ALL that I need…

ALL that will make me complete again…

I will survive!…

For life here on this Earth…

Is just a temporary state…

Get yourself prepared for so much more…

In Jesus Name…

AMEN

 

 

 

This entry was posted on November 10, 2017. 11 Comments

Courage

Courage enables one to fly beyond limitations”…

This was a quote I chose using the word “courage” last year for my “New¬† Year’s” word for the year…

I pick a WORD that I follow for the year…

This was an accurate pick it seems…

I have needed this word this year as my husband has fought the “Cancer Battle”…

As of last Wednesday… October 10th…

We were told that his fight in this battle was coming to and end…

We were told that Chemo was not helping…

In fact it was hurting more than helping…

In both of our minds we knew we would be saying NO to anymore treatments…

And we found that the Oncology Doctors agreed!…

We were told to go home…

Live as well as we could…

Get more things in order…

We left with a hoplessness that drained us…

Our hope was taken…

Our refuge place would be no more…

We were left with an emptiness that is beyond understanding…

We cried… Held each other… And just walked from the hospital with a heaviness that drained us…

We know that the wonderful people who had tried hard to save my Bobby… At least prolong his life… had that feeling too…

We were told Hospice would be getting in touch with us…

Another feeling of our life together was forever changing…

I have not slept through a night in so long…

Bobby either…

I find him just sitting and staring…

Knowing his mind is whirling…

I keep tears right behind my eyelids…

Constant heaviness in my chest…

We go through every day motions in a stupor…

We are still taking one day at a time…

But… There is no normal!

No words that can help…

I’m appreciative of all that try to help…

And know we will just have to get through this stage in our life together… As we always have…

Bless us Dear Lord…

Keep us in your care…

We are in need of strength and love from you…

And guidance to make decisions that will benefit us and make our next steps easier…

Amen

 

This entry was posted on October 20, 2017. 4 Comments

Honor Flight Review

We made our Honor Flight Trip to Washington, DC… on September 8-10th…
ALL I CAN SAY IS … “It was awesome”!…logo_header-150x120

We left on Southwest Airlines from Louisville… 
Bobby and I didn’t have a seat together…
AT FIRST!…
I sat between a nice young man who was a Fireman from Louisville… going to a convention…
and another gentleman who was interested in our conversation…
when I was telling the young man about our Honor Flight trip…
He insisted on changing seats with my Bobby where we could sit together…
Already had met a lady who lives around the block from us in our neighborhood who I had never met…
SO… as you can see … our trip was starting “RIGHT” from the very beginning…
We arrived in Baltimore, MD to greetings from Honor Flight volunteers… and Navy Girls with signs…
So sweet!…

We were then ushered to our shuttle that would take us to the Hilton Hotel we were staying at..
Conversation with driver lead to BBQ… my Bobby’s favorite…
They came to conclusion… NOTHING like Southern BBQ!…
At Hotel we were greeted by Jane (TLC/Lone Eagle/Solo Prpogram Director) and Diane (Executive Director)…
The best hostesses we could ever have had…
They organize these trips for Veterans and LOVE their job!…
We were presented with a packet of items and a lovely book about the Washington Monuments…

Bobby was in need of a rest… since Chemo had knocked his butt this time in that it being new drugs…
After resting we went down for lunch at the cafe/bar area…
All taken care of by Flight organization…
Later we had a drink with our tickets provided as we waited for Buffet Dinner… from 5:30 pm -8:30pm…
A slight break to meet several of the folks arriving from different places (states and cities)…
A couple we met were 95 and 94 years of age…
Eddie was a World War ll Veteran… His wife Naomi was a dear!… with red hair that expressed her spirit!

Just lovely!…
another gentleman was 96…
We found out we were the Lone Eagles…
especially chosen for issues in their lives… age… etc.
Bobby having terminal cancer diagnosed…
We met a young man that night at our meeting who was there from Southwest Air Lines…
They donate thousands to this organization providing trips via Southwest…
Robert being an executive with the air lines came as a guardian to be of any help to the Veterans participating…
We struck up conversation with him… learning he is coming to Kentucky for a vacation…
and the following day when we left to visit the Memorials he wanted to be with us…
We were elated… loved him already!…
He made the tour with us all day… And reassures us his wife and himself will be coming to Kentucky visit us… 

We had eaten a buffet breakfast at the Hotel dining room… and left at 8:00am on the bus…

approximately 45 of us total…
We were about an hour from Washington DC… so a short documentary was shown about the building of the World War ll Memorial…
very interesting…

We were escorted by Motorcycle Police the whole day from the moment we left the hotel until after we ate dinner in Maryland around 6:30pm…
We toured the Korean, Viet Nam, Lincoln

, World War ll

, Naval

, Air Force

, Pentagon (911 Memorial), Arlington Cemetary 

 downtown Washington DC…

 

Lunch was provided on bus by ARBY’S… and a large cooler of bottled water whenever needed…
Every detail was thought of…

I loved the Korean Memorial…

Bobby was bitter/sweet to view Viet Nam Wall… finding the name of a boy he had known, trained and identified when he was killed…
Seemed to bring a PEACE to him as he pointed to his name… a haunting that had stayed with him all of these years…

Golden Corral (one that has won awards for their food and hospitality) provided supper….
Bringing us in the side door to tables already set for us…
Great food and service…
Arriving back at Hotel… we rested awhile… read the cards, notes and letters sent to Bobby as a surprise…
They had mail call on the bus as we had traveled back to Baltimore…
Of course tears flowed… as we read them…
Bobby was exhausted!…
so he slept and I went down to visit a little with fellow Veterans, their wives, their grandsons, their guardians, their brothers, their sons…
we showed photos… and talked…

 

After printing out boarding passes… I came up to room to find my Bobby still sleeping…
and soon I followed…
After another great breakfast of prepared omelets, waffles, juices, coffee, sausage/bacon, fruits, pastries, bagels/toast, oatmeal with all the fixings,scrambled eggs…
NO! … we didn’t eat all of that… but, choices were abundant!…
Packed … and came down to say good-byes and board shuttle to airport…
all taken care of by volunteers every inch of the way…
Arriving back in Louisville at 3:35pm on the nose…
watching from sky as we flew above Kentucky Kingdom, Churchill Downs, Ohio River…

we knew we were back home…
Here we were greeted by Sherri… our Louisville coordinator of the Honor Flight…

The airport marquis announcing Bobby coming home… a welcoming sign…

Met the airport director… and a 3 Star General with the Air National Guard… greeting us with such respect …
but, when Bobby turned the corner and was greeted by approximately 40 of his friends, family and fellow Viet Nam Veterans…
It was overwhelming!…
Our son’s holding the American Flags… 

Homemade signs of Love, hugs and kisses, handshakes… from all who had come to give my Viet Nam Vet the Homecoming he needed and deserved 48 years ago…
Photos taken with our boys, grandkids…

and all who made this such a special occasion…

I say “THANK YOU”…. to all…

Energizer Bunny Losing Power…

I have found that even “My Energizer Bunny” Bobby…
is evidently running low on power…
His batteries are weak…
New chemo has brought bouts of violent vomiting…
weakening him so much…
Can’t eat…
Can’t relax…
Can’t sleep…
Mentions pain in stomach…
With chemo being changed…
once a week every 3rd week…
no pump to take home…
one drug that was breaking him out so bad…
effecting his eyes, nose…skin… taken off…
I am seeing the photo developing…
I am trying to let the boys know… what I feel…
They want to dismiss the facts I can tell…
and I would too…
but, I will have to be the strong one I know…
It’s a terrible feeling of standing watching someone you love so much…
suffering…
I pray we can make the Honor Flight this weekend…
a “good closure” to my Bobby’s life…
coming full circle from the time we met over 48 years ago…
I see the Glory of an Almighty God that has held us when we cried…
listened to our prayers… and answered with time to get some things done…
we will continue to move forward …
we never lose Hope…
for each moment shared will help me to have the strength for the next chapter in my life…
and Bobby to leave this Earth to a Heavenly Home that is free from disease and pain…
thank you Jesus…
I have felt your presence daily…
Amen…

Sadness…


Sleeping pattern is lost… awaking at 2:00am… maybe 4:00am…
I am moving slower… that not caring feeling of really doing anything…
I don’t get things finished… Actually I don’t even get things started!…
If I had my way…
I would be in my pajamas all day…
Napping has become a ritual… when I never did that before…
Interest in things is forced…
I’ve neglected things that use to bring me joy…
I have a stack of movies that I thought I would watch… but, concentration so low… They just lay there…
A new book I was going to read… lies on the nightstand… only a couple of pages read…
With the news that Bobby’s cancer is growing…
I just cry almost instantaneous… over the slightest thing…
I barely can put one front in front of the other…
I feel I just want to give up…
My soul is hurting so bad…
I think when you are so close to someone you love…
when they hurt…
feel sad…
are enduring their own suffering…
We take on their heaviness too…
Wanting to ease their sadness…
Their loneliness in knowing that death is creeping upon them…
You want to release them from all of the worry…
the strength they use to have is being replaced by your own…
making you weak…
I look to God for MY strength…
asking HIM to help me in this time of an inner hurt that passes all understanding…
Only my Lord can actually feel what I am enduring…
SO…
through prayer… and a pleading heart…
I reach out my hand to His…
and ask for His grace…
to forgive me of my weakness…
and lift me up to continue this journey… as long as it is with us…
To show me His LOVE… that surpasses our understanding…
Jesus…
Just heed my prayer…
AMEN