I’m OK Now!

After coming home from Bobby’s treatment yesterday… I think I had a mental break-down…

I’m not kidding… k9310704

We got up at 6:00am and left at 7:00am… to get to VA Hospital by 8:00am…

I hadn’t gone to sleep until after midnight… k9940098

Anticipation!…

It literally makes my stomach hurt… to deal with this…

although I had been putting up a pretty good front…

The people are excellent… couldn’t be better…

but, the process… takes a lot out of you… k19396332

The wife watching her husband be hooked up to Chemo Meds… bag after bag… k22107464

He is a trooper…

So kind… so caring… trying to be upbeat for me…

making small jokes with the nurses…

One even said, “He’s so cute!”…

At times I think so!…

We sit… wait… eat a bite… watch TV… read… talk… sleep…

and finally we leave after he is hooked up to pump to bring home for 46 hours… at 3:00pm…

YES!… approximately 7 hours!…

I get home finally… and the phone is ringing…

and I see messages left…

My sister… checking on us… Love hearing from her!…

My neighbor walks over to ask how things went… Love her dearly!

A cousin calls… Love her to death!… she’s like my best friend!…

My son is there and wants me to go somewhere…

“Don’t think so!”…

Bobby still coming down from the steroids they give him k25049902 … wants me to look something up on the computer…

I had been in the door less than 30 minutes!…

Usually that’s fine… but, all of a sudden my mind is saying… ENOUGH!…

k25125409k20474358

“I can’t handle any more!”…

I am so tired I just want some quiet time…

and the tears come!…

Uncontrollable tears!…

k19039884

and they look at me like I’m losing my mind…

I even question myself…

I wash my face… take a pill… sit down… and just let it all out…

I couldn’t sleep… although that’s what everyone is telling me to do!…

I am wired so tight…

I just need some space!…

I eventually take a long soaking bath… k22403889 change into some pajamas…

I don’t even blow dry my hair… that’s how I felt!… (cute, this morning)

Sooo…. when I wake to my husband walking around… beeping going off k6967133 … that is NOT the microwave k20482693

I am wondering if I have really lost it!… k11061578

It’s 3:00am in the morning… and the cat is meowing at me so loud k21354195… I tell her to just “SHUT UP!”…

and God love her… she did!…

We find it’s the batteries  on his Chemo Pump that are going off…. needing to be changed…

With my glasses half on my face…

Bobby saying, “turn on the light!”… and my hands not seeming to work fast enough…

I get the old batteries out of the pump… insert new ones k14501675 … and get it back to working…

Quiet!… once again!…

and now here I am writing… so keyed up… I decided I might as well… wear myself out… and then sleep later…

I might even fix us a cup of coffee… u20891996

I don’t think a little caffeine at this point… is going to make a difference!

 

 

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26 thoughts on “I’m OK Now!

  1. Dear Marilyn, thinking of you both and sending love. Hope you will get some sleep tonight to give you strength to keep going. By the way, there is nothing wrong with a good cry. Hugs to you x x

  2. Besides the facts of what an illness can do, I think the hardest thing I had to learn to do was adjust to flexibility. This word is so complex. We all get used to routines, especially when they stay pretty much the same month after month, except those few stones in our paths. I finally adjusted, but I was stressed in the process of this new learning. Many times I was so tired, but once I laid down; my mind came awake and up I was again. That never did seem to totally go away, so I learned to nap when I found open spots. You are doing what you need to do. Drink the coffee, cry when ever you can. Believe me, I learned crying is one of the biggest healers and stress removers. Don’t forget to find something good in each day, no matter how small it may seem, it makes a huge difference in your day. Love and hugs

  3. Bless your heart, Marilyn. I can so identify. It’s hard trying to be the “strong one” and not really feeling strong at all. Tears are a release and are healing. So just go ahead and cry.

  4. In some ways you have to look at fighting cancer as going to war. I know when I went through my chemo, I had no idea how my illness affected my family. I was so busy trying to get through it that I just didn’t see how much was on them. This is a whole family fight. You have to find the laughter in the little things. There are days you cry, days you get mad cause this is happening to you and those you love and days you are just so sad. Through it all you just know that no matter what, God is in
    control. I love you and am thinking of you. This too shall pass in time.

    • I know so many people who have fought this battle as you say…but, when it’s someone you love so much!… been my mate , my best friend, my confidant, my sounding board, my lover, …it is just so hard…WE ARE FINE!… we get through days as normal as we always did…but, my insides just came to surface…

  5. My heart goes out to you and your husband. Our family is hurting now, too, as our daughter’s cancer returned after three years. She’s taking chemo again and we are praying for her healing. The doctor thinks it’s contained in one area. Blessings to you today as you go through this “valley.”

  6. I search for the perfect words, and know even if I find them they can’t work any magic for you. But…know that I am thinking of you and praying, for I know that is the very best that I can do. Crying is good…even freaking out is good…releasing pent up stress is exactly what it says…a release.

  7. Marilyn, I’m so sorry you’ve had this experience. I understand a wee bit of it. My dad went through two years of surgery, chemo and radiation…it was hard to watch, and my mom was at his side every minute. In some ways I honestly think it’s more difficult for the spouse/caregiver than the patient…so much worry and coping falls on the spouse. Not that I’m minimizing the difficulty for your husband. But everyone is looking out for him…don’t forget to take care of your self in this process! And when you need some time, take it! I hope you’ll feel better soon! Praying right now for you and Bobby! ~ Sheila

  8. Sorry I missed this. I’ve been out of touch and then managed to hit the follow/unfollow button on the touchscreen so lost you and another blogger :( All sorted now.
    Sounds like you coped really well, stopping to take time out and have a bath. This is going to be an intense time for both of you and it is important not to be to hard on yourself.
    Have you got a good book on the go? It might help as a bit of distraction when you can’t sleep. You might need a booklight so you don’t keep Bobby awake.
    If I can’t sleep I put the radio alarm on sleep and have 30 mins of Radio 4 or the World Service on low volume so I can pay attention to the voice and hopefully I’m asleep long before the 30 mins is up. I can also plug it in to a speaker in my pillow so I don’t wake up the person who was already asleep :D

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