Get OUT of MY HOUSE!

I thought our world had changed this past year…

and it did…

with Bobby’s diagnosis of Colon Cancer…

but, this coming year will probably take a greater tole on us…

How could that be???

as I have said…

Our oldest son suffers and I do mean “suffers” with Bi-polar Disorder and Schizophrenia…

A combination he once said…

“I don’t wish this on anyone!”…

A mixture of severe mood swings…

a mind that is ravaged with voices… hallucinations… and a feeling of not being worthy to live…

Diagnosed in late teens…

Doctors…

Medications…

Meetings…

Reading…

Trying anything to ease his pain…

Sometimes working…

but, generally not…

You watch your own child endure such violent episodes…

and then back to my loving gift from God…

A heart so full of kindness, caring and love…

As of today after a year or more… he is in a hospital… hopefully getting the care he deserves…

My thoughts on the mental field of medicine… and what they call “their rights”… is and has not been a pretty picture…

They allow these people who have such great issues their rights!…

and I agree totally…

but, when you have documented…

written…

talked…

made Mental Inquest Warrants…(to no avail)… police being called… phone calls…

You lose faith in the system…

but, not Faith in my God…

I almost have…

I have been on my knees more this past month… than ever …

Feverantly praying…

but, have found… God has to have the situation just right… before HE acts…

In the meantime…

we cry…

we scream…

we almost collapse…

under the weight of a disease that is so violent…

When you hear your own child spouting forth words he would never say…

when you hear son’s voice take on the voice of some unknown evil…

when you see your son wasting away before your eyes…

health deteriorating…

Your Faith is “almost”   used up!…

It starts taking on its own fight with your own body…

Sleepless nights…

Tears of pain mixing with salt that seems to have a never-ending flow…

Your mind searching through all that you have heard and learned over the years… for the right words to help…

the right solutions…

This is my baby… and has been since that first moment of seeing him…

You have no stronger love than this bond… of mother and child…

your heart feels as if it will burst… so full of love… aching… an extreme that shakes your whole soul…

So…

Changes will be happening…

WE HAVE TO SURVIVE TOO!…

My husband and me…

and to see your husband… your anchor… shed those painful tears…

Just about all you can handle…

To be hated and despised by your flesh and blood… as you are trying with all your might to save him… is the most terrible feeling…

to lose that bond that was created so long ago… is heart wrenching…

Then…

you get the phone calls…

Hospitalized… Letting me know where he is… letting ME know how it is…

letting me know what it’s like…

letting me know his feelings…

asking questions…

what he has eaten…

wondering out loud as reality slips back in…

as the medications bring life back into my precious son’s body…

We will not bring him home…

an adventure of sorts has got to end… I have learned… this issue is greater than myself…

He will need to get better… move into his own world… grow…

I will be a support until I die… His Dad will be a support until he dies…

But… together… as a threesome… it will be no  more…

A feeling of failure…(I really know better)…

A feeling of loss…(that hurt… so much)…

A feeling of peace…(probably will take a long time)…

but, a feeling of hope for my child… I believe so…

I have asked God to take the evil from our home…

and I feel it has been removed…

The evil not being “my son”… but, that evil power that took over my weak baby…

The evil we fought… for so many years… will be eradicated…

Probably to enter another poor souls body… because Satan is like that…

Feeding on the weak!…

Those who don’t have the ability to fight back…

An evil that wants to overcome the Goodness!…

but, we with Faith… the love of Jesus Christ… the knowledge of what it is like to have that HOPE and LOVE inside us…

will have to pull together… to ward off the temptations and evil that Satan wants us to follow…

Away Satan… no  more!…

 

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12 thoughts on “Get OUT of MY HOUSE!

  1. So very sorry for everything your family is going through. Please know you all are in our thoughts and prayers!! I hope that Doug heals quickly so you can have your family back together again….. (((Hugs))), Andrea

  2. What difficult decisions you have had to make. But you have to make them. Prayers sent your way for strength and healing for your son and strength for you and your husband. Beautifully written under stress… and you still did a wonderful job of sharing your feelings and doubts with your blogging friends. Your strength and inner beauty is contagious and may help others in similar struggles.

  3. Oh Marilyn, what a well-written, heartfelt, tender and tough account of dealing with mental disorders. It is a hard road you travel. By being open and real as you continue to deal with your son’s illness, you offer others the right to do the same, to share their heartache. The enemy loses some of his power over us when we bring our pain into the light. May God’s grace bring you and your family healing and peace this blessed Christmas season. You are very brave, my friend.

  4. As I read this to Dan, my eyes filled with tears for the long-suffering of the threesome. I know this was a gut-wrenching decision but one that had to be made. Glad you still have joy and have not lost faith in our Lord Jesus Christ as He will see you through. My love to your son, special man Bobby, and you – my sweet friend. Hugs ❤️

  5. It is so hard when life throws us curve balls. This is the time to toss your thoughts into God’s worry basket. He is in control, don’t forget that . Do like I do. Each day look for the small things that are right. Smile, pray and know I love you

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