Live With Myself…

Since December 9th… our world has turned upside down…

Having to get my son psychiatric treatment was a battle…

but, with the Lord hearing my pleas… it happened…

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A week in a hospital… the details you would find horrendous!…

unless you have had to deal with this kind of illness in your life…

Fighting to find my son a place to stay… without being put in a homeless shelter…

Heart wrenching just writing about it!…

It seems as if it’s been forever in this changing situation… and yet it has only been weeks…

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My heart hurts now with the decision of never letting your son come home to live again…

I doubt that death could be much worst… after having him all 44 years of his life…

I hear the words of…

“You are doing the best thing”…

“This will be the best for him”…

“You will adjust”…

“He will adjust”…

“You are able to see him”…

“He can leave for short periods of time on his own”…

From my perspective…

“Have I failed him as a Mother?”…

“Could I have done more???”…

“Have I made the right choices?”…

“Is this the best for him?”…

“Will he be able to adjust?”…

“Will he blame me for this horrible disease?”…

that has taken his life away from him?…

“Will his Dad be able to cope with not having his son around to joke with…

to hang out with…

to have conversation and debates with?”…

“Will the tears ever stop?”…

“Will the sleepless nights quit?”…

No matter what others say…

I miss him!…

I miss even the battles!…

I don’t wake without my thoughts racing through all of the events in a lifetime that has led us here…

YES!… I hurt… and yet I know only time will help… only acceptance of this major change will help…

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I pray in a year from now… I can see some positive results from this decision…

and then maybe… just maybe… I can live with myself…

 

 

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “Live With Myself…

  1. All these racing emotions will ease with time. Even my mother’s ‘Don’t you dare put me in hospital again or you’ll feel guilt for the rest of your life’ eased within a few months! I sincerely believe that what you have done is absolutely for the best. xx

  2. I can only imagine but yet I recognize some of your post as I look back on the time I knew I was losing my brother. It hurts, it hurts real bad. A year from now, you will see changes and you may also feel a smile beginning to form as you will clearly see the benefits. For now, allow yourself to feel your feelings with no guilt. Love you and big hugs

  3. Pingback: Caring Hearts… One Year Gone! | MKG- Memories-Keepsakes-Gifts

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