Thoughts In My Mind…

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When your husband is told they have little time to live…
all kinds of thoughts run through your mind…
Disbelief…
Heartache…
Anger…
The why, the when, the where, the how…
WHY? … Cancer…
When? … No real answer… maybe a year… maybe longer…
Where?… Home or hospital…
How… Painfully or peacefully? …
Disbelief that the Doctors have read the scans wrong!…but, NO… They keep telling us it's true…
Heartache never leaves…
shifts from sad days… to good days to back to bad…Very surreal…
Anger with God… I can honestly say NO at this time…
Anger more of this disease that no cure has been found…
but, I don't hold God responsible for our pain… If anything I praise Him for the comfort He gives to me and my Bobby when we get down…
As a child of God… I know I am not immune to health issues, pain or sorrow…
but, I also know He brings me comfort , peace and joy…
I have not the answers to the questions of why my Bobby…or
why at this time…
I do know that in a blink of an eye things can happen…
So… I try to fill each moment with as much goodness as possible…
fixing good food …
keeping our home clean…
laughing…
joking…
being as generous as our budget can sustain…
having kind words and deeds for our friends, neighbors and family…
seeing the joy in the little ones who knock on our door for a popsicle or other treat…
sitting until midnight with neighbors in our front yard… talking of the things that are on our minds… Some good… some bad… some fun… some laughable…
sitting close without a word next to my Bobby…
and then going our separate ways to churn our thoughts in our minds…
As good as being together…
Moments of solitude can be helpful too…
We try to stay on task…
with repairs…
Spiffing up a few things for the sale of our home if need be…
Making sure insurance is up to date…
Taking note of where things are… to be able to lay my hands on quickly…
Making decisions that my Bobby has requested…
and will be carried through…
Reminding the boys that although we seem fine…
their Daddy will be leaving us …
and I will change…
I will probably need them more than ever…
but, I also will make decisions they might not like…
When this plate is handed to you…
you wake with it…
you go to sleep with it…
EVERYTHING you do has the backdrop of this… sometimes in full color and sometimes in black and white…
As much as you grow and learn…
there are times your heart aches with a pounding in your chest of such dread…
and the dam that you have been shoring up…
bursts with a flow of tears like it will never stop…
and as you can see by my writings…
Your mind is jumping from here to there…
from the present to the future in a blink of an eye…
in each breath you take…
I will rely on our God to keep us surrounded in His Loving Arms…
Keeping us in the knowledge that HE is with us…
and has prepared our way for this happening in our lives…
I will Praise His name and follow in His Grace that He brings to us…
so others will know the Love He has for them also… and His redemption was for all…
AMEN…

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6 thoughts on “Thoughts In My Mind…

  1. This has been a hard journey for all of you. I pray everyday for a Cancer cure because it has taken so many people that I love. Just know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, blessings and lots of wonderful memories,
    Love always,
    Andrea

  2. You know that you are in my heart and in my thoughts. I so admire your strength and honesty, your practicality and your love for each other.
    I send you both love across the ocean and keep you in my thoughts,
    Sally xx

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