Last Day… Humbled…

Sunflowers brought earlier in day by niece…

I cannot even explain my feelings right now…

Maybe I’m just numb…

Maybe I’m just so tired…

Maybe I’m just OK…

This journey of ours started in 2015…

I have tried to document my Bobby’s and my feelings since then until yesterday about 4:45pm…

April 28, 2018…

Actual time of death recorded … 5:27pm…

After being checked by Hosparus nurse… Listening for heartbeat…

Our final two weeks went like a flash…

Excellerating every day…

So many changes… Happening quickly…

Complete loss of appetite… After me actually spoon feeding him bites of soup and pudding…

Very little liquids…

Me trying to entice him to drink…

Gatorade…Water…Juices…Coffee….

His “go to” being…

Chocolate Carnation Instant Breakfast…

Chocolate Ovaltine…

And a request for Buttermilk…

Which I never even knew he liked…

I reviewed my list of giving medications…

Morphine starting Saturday, February 17,2018…

Increased gradually…

Anxiety medication given along with it…

The weakness overtook his body…

Since no nourishment was being taken in bit by bit…

After contacting Hosparus nurses with my observations…

They concluded that what I was seeing was definitely being played out…

We were losing our fight… 

Cancer was going to claim another beautiful soul…

After walking with walker… 

Even that was not possible…

Our Sunshine Room would come into being…

 our place for our last days together…

Bed was the only answer…

My oldest son was able to stay with me…

He learned a lot in two weeks in caring for his Dad…

I had to call on him so many times…

For his strength in transferring his Dad from bed to potty chair…

From bed to his chair for a few minutes…

One night… We looked at each other…

Knowing there would be no more getting up…

Sad moments for my Bobby…

His dignity had been taken in so many ways…

This seemed to finalize it…

I had to concede…

Too much for me alone…

Too much for Doug and I together even…

I asked for help that had been offered…

And was so very grateful for all that was given…

I requested for him to be washed… Keeping him clean…

Keeping him comfortable…

Least pain possible…

The CNA came in with gentle ways…

Bathing him…

Shaving him…

Washing his hair…

Creaming him…

Clean clothes…

Protecting his frail body…

Turning him in bed…

My sister, by this time would not leave my side…

Spending the night…

Sleeping on my couch…

Rotating times for many breaks…

In the middle of the night… I continued to call on my Doug for his strength and help…

One night the “moaning” started…

Nurses insuring me he was not actually hurting…

He moaned constantly all that night…

All the next day…

And then the second night…

I played light music…

Talked to him…

Held his hand…

Read to him…

And prayed…

People came in for brief visits…

Jill sleeping near…

He rousing enough to try and focus his eyes…

And always a kind word to them…

Yesterday… another change…

They call it the “death rattle”…

Actually hate that title…

Fluids building up…

Making a horrific sound…

Still… no pain they say…

Just sounds horrible for people listening…

All day…

 until I went in to check on him…

And then having to go into action to try and help him…

I could tell he was in distress…

Lifting him up in my arms… to raise him…

Hollering for my son to raise the head of the bed…

My sister right there as Doug says, “I can’t do this!”…

Leaving room after getting bed raised…

I continued to hold him up…

Hugging him to me…

Reassuring him I was there…

Talking to him as he took his final breaths…

Kissing his precious face…

Jesus had been called on to take him with him… Now!…

And He quietened him… In peace…

Breathing slowed…

Me holding him as his last breath was taken…

Feeling his chest for his last heartbeat…

Seconds and minutes was all it was…

But, seemed much longer…

His fight of three years was done…

Called Hosparus…

Sending nurse immediately!…

Called Brian…

Called family/ friends…

As we waited…

After nurse listened to him…

Pronounced time of death…

She proceeded with her duties in the most kind… gentle way…

He was washed…

Clean clothes of the softest T-shirt…

Pajamas… and I wanted socks on his feet…

She covered him in his red, white and blue quilt like he was sleeping…

such peace on his face…

Neighbor friends surrounded us…

My living room full…

They came for last good-byes…

The Love shown to me and my two sons will never be forgotten…

Timing was perfect…

A God thing… I have no doubt…

Finally… Funeral Home arrived…

A hard part for sure…

Watching them carefully take him from our home for the last time…

My Brian and Doug devastated…

As their Mom…

I immediately prayed for their heartache…

We hugged…. kissed…

Held each other tight…

My sunshine shows up just as I was going to eat a bite…

My sunshine being my oldest Granddaughter…

We sat as I nibbled…

My daughter-in-law had sent food…

She lightened us with her presence…

Her dog Dexter… Giving me doggie kisses as he begged for bites…

We hugged… cried… as she left to go home…

Most wonderful way to close my day…

17 thoughts on “Last Day… Humbled…

  1. Loving thoughts to you and your family. You have been there every step of the way. If the circumstances had been reversed, Bobby would have done the same for you. A loving relationship that will never end because of your children and grandchildren and your special memories. I know I cannot comfort you with a hug but just know I am thinking of you with admiration and so much respect for the way your family works together.

  2. Pingback: Sunday grace | strengthened by grace

  3. He is with God now; at peace. My prayers go out to you and your family. God’s love and strength be upon all of you.

  4. Tears for you all as I read this. I am full of admiration for you and your loving family. Sorry for my delay in response. We have been away with no wifi but you have been in my thoughts and we both send you our love and condolences. xx

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