Never the OLD ME Again…

greyscale photography of woman wearing long sleeved top

Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

6 months will pass in a few days…

I have found myself burying my grief deep inside…

I would cry all of the time if I didn’t…

I am so lonely…

although my wonderful friend has been a blessing…

He lifts me up whenever I feel blue…

Silliness, talking (lots of talking), coffee in the morning,

a hug at night…

My home has lost it’s pizzazz…

WE had it all…

Love, a good marriage, best friends, knew each other’s next word…

Touch is what I miss worse…

sometimes no words were needed…

funny jokes…

a certain grin…

my handyman…

loved cooking breakfast for my man…

I can’t eat BBQ, fish, grits with butter, salt and pepper…

Unexpected hugs… and kisses…

You think you are through grieving…

but, actually it only gets worse…

I have delved into painting my kitchen…

almost done…

My living room area next…

I have a lot to do…

and know change is the only way to get me back…

I have lost 27 pounds…more to go…

I have styled my hair different… Love it…

I’ve started some exercises…

all of the above drastically needed…

My kids are good to me…

helping when needed…

and my Grandkids bring smiles to my face whenever I get to see them…

My kitty Jill…

talks loud to me all of the time…

if not in my arms like she is comforting me…

I like my alone time sometimes…

I can watch a movie, read and lately I sketch…

My mind gets lost in doing that!…

I read my devotional daily… and Bible to keep me on the right path…

Lunch with a friend from High School is about every 3 weeks…

WE can do a lot of talking too…

Good for both of us…

We have our favorite restaurant that serves French breakfast or lunch…

and the best muffins…

I have failed my blogging friends in keeping up with their news…

I seem to be changing my old habits in for new ones…

Their friendship NO… what a blessing they gave me…

I see myself as a kind of recluse…

My mind resonates with memories that I try to shut out…

I know it’s early…

but, at times to me it seems forever…

I have a cousin that talks long distance every day…and a sister close that does the same…

They keep me sane…

and let me run off my mouth without acting bored…

I will survive…

but, I may never be my old self…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Never the OLD ME Again…

  1. I know what you are going through. The nights and first thing in the mornings were my hardest for months and months. Don’t think it will be a short grieving process but know that it is alright to have those sad and lonely days and expect them. I did the same thing you did. I redecorated everything in site, including Alvin’s room. I turned it into a room full of my antiques I loved so when I went in there, I shared my love for them along with my love for my brother. Somehow that gave me peace. I changed myself totally. I started photography. While I was looking into the lens, I forgot my pain. I started painting. I opened up two facebook pages that had to do with MSA so that I could help others. I turned myself upside down because I knew that if I sat still and alone when I was crying inside, I would wither away and die. I really wasn’t ready to die, although a lot of my heart already had. You will never forget Bobby. You shouldn’t forget him. You will have to push yourself daily, thinking of things to fill the time. One day you will smile about some memory of him and then you will smile more about him. Today, I still hurt and have days of heart felt pain but I am cried out. Some days I spend in bed. I don’t even want to fight it at times. I miss him still very much. People got tired of me talking about Alvin so I became quiet, although I wanted every conversation to be about him. When i see Coca-cola today, I still hurt. Somehow the days get by and you remain strong. Keep doing what you are doing my dearest friend. You will get through this. It took me four years before I enjoyed a Christmas. Today I still can not watch A Christmas Story. A week or so before Alvin died, he couldn’t see anymore but he had me play over and over, A Christmas Story. I don’t know if I will ever be able to watch it, but who cares? It’s my feelings, right………..You are doing everything right. i love you my friend

  2. My Dear Marilyn,
    You express your grief so clearly and I feel for you. I cannot really imagine what you are going through but the words above from Who I am, sound very sensible. Of course you will always miss Bobby, I could read your love for each other in your posts, and I hope that in time, the happy memories will come more often and help you through. Again, I so wish that I were nearer , that we could sit and natter over a cup of coffee, have a hug and maybe a cry together. We may have met through blogging but you feel as real a friend to me as if there were not thousands of miles between us.
    With love to you, my friend
    xx

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