Grieving TWICE… NO Picnic!

I get asked all of the time…

“How are you doing?”…

My husband died April 29, 2018… after 49 years of marriage…

8 months ago…

“How am I doing?”…

AWFUL!

TERRIBLE!…

HORRIBLE!…

IT absolutely sucks!…

I cry all of the time…

I don’t eat…

I don’t sleep…

My mind stays in a tumbled mess…

I have done things I would NEVER do in my life…

I’ve lost a great friend…

He helped my husband and myself when Bobby got cancer…

almost 4 years now…

After Bobby passed he kept helping…

I was weak…

needy…

lost…

and this neighbor friend was going through a loss too…

His girlfriend of many years and her two grandsons left him…

and he was devastated…

We began talking and spending a lot of time together…

He had stated many times…

He wasn’t getting involved… with anyone…

FRIENDS was the word I heard over and over…

but, I fell… hook, line and sinker as they say…

Head over heels in love with him…

I tried to NOT have the feelings that built up in me… but, a time came that it came from my lips how I felt…

He was having none of that…

and with the words spoken…

you would think I would (could) back off…

but, NO…

I was not able to…

I tried so hard…

I went over all of my feelings and why I was having them…

Didn’t help…

He started to drift away…

ME… saying, I would accept him as a friend…

NO luck on my side…

The least bit of attention he gave me…

had me wanting him more…

Evidently a woman sees things in such a different manner than a man…

and especially one used to having a man dote on her… love her with all of his might… and show her constant affection for so long…

He was angry!…

and shifted attention to another lady in neighborhood…

and the worst “green-eyed monster” (jealousy) rose its head from within me…

I could not believe who I had become myself…

although he saw no part in this that he played…

Just being a kind friend…

a hug… a kiss good night… bringing dinner to share… helping me with all kinds of projects…

All my fault?…

I can not agree…

so…

as of now…

I am not talking or seeing him…

lying low as possible…

although he wanted to be “friends”… again…

I think that’s where all of this started…

and I seem to be the only one hurting…

I will mend…

although I wasn’t sure I would survive…

Grieving twice in these last eight months is NO PICNIC!…

so… BEWARE of men offering comfort and “friendship”…

IT HURTS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Grieving TWICE… NO Picnic!

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this. I was worried when I hadn’t seen any posts for so long. You are truly overwhelmed now with so much grief and hurt. Just remember you did nothing wrong… you just reacted as a vulnerable, grieving human being. I wish I could give you a hug.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s