As I have said earlier, my Bobby passed away 10 months ago.
For those who don’t know, he died 3 years after a diagnosis of colon cancer and 49 years of being my husband.
I struggle daily with this new way of life.
A lonely person living in our home we made together.
Yes, I have children. Two wonderful sons.
Yes, I have family. A close sister and a brother, nieces, nephews, cousins and 3 of the most wonderful Grandchildren.
Yes, I have many friends.
But, with all that, my life is so miserable.
Keep busy they say.
I push hard to do that!
I do that. Finding it hard to pick up a book. Knowing it will probably have a relationship in it, which I have none now.
Scripture and my Devotional Book is my go to.
Searching for God’s Word to give me comfort
I prefer gloomy days to sunshine, because I have no sunshine in me right now.
The gloom and cold lets me hibernate in my house.
Lets me alone with my sad thoughts.
NOT GOOD! Even I know that!
My motivation can’t be stirred.
So, this gets me to the subject I wanted to express.
Bobby and I had a cat named Jill.
I still have her but, being 19 years old,
I fear that she will leave me too.
And to experience any more loss is overwhelming to me.
When Bobby got ill and was told he had terminal cancer, my old girl climbed upon me and never left my side during the whole time.
She lay on me feeling my heart beat.
She patted my face as if to comfort me.
She lay above my head at night.
I knew she felt my heartache.
When Bobby passed we both were surrounded by neighbors, friends and family.
They didn’t let me have a moment to grieve.
Wanting me to stay upbeat and to live.
And I did.
Thinking I was fine.
Thinking I was strong.
I was the One that had it all together.
Until 6 months to the day after my Bobby was gone.
The weather was changing.
The attention was waiving.
And the weight of my whole past life came in on me.
No more Bobby.
No more times together.
No more talking.
No more touch.
No plans to complete.
My kitty and I hit rock bottom.
I can honestly say I was NOT mad at God.
I had seen many others suffer loss.
I was angry.
That the weight of loss is so bad!
The emptiness is so bad!
The tightness in my chest never leaves!
The tears come so frequent!\
They say, “The loss of true, strong, devotional LOVE will effect us this way”.
and I should be glad I had that.
Oh, I am!
but, the days experiencing this is most unbearable!
I want to be released from this “grieving”.
I want to not hurt so bad anymore.
I want happy again.
I want to function, without having to make myself!
I want Peace.
As I said, My Jill and I was at a very low point.
I began to hibernate in my home.
I said and did foolish things.
My emotions in high gear!
I felt I was justified in doing so.
My cat began to hibernate in an empty box I had gotten something in.
and worst of all she didn’t even have it in herself to comfort me!
We were a sad case!
I do believe this is what opened my eyes.
I saw me in her!.
and knew things had to change.
Actually, I know the Lord was listening to my prayers, my petitions, when I got down on my knees.
He was slowly starting to heal me.
I felt a little life regaining its space in me.
My Jill came out of her box.
She started talking like she never had.
She expressed interest in her food.
Old habits of laying on me came back.
Patting my face in care.
Sleeping on a pillow near me.
We weren’t the same…
But, I got the message, “We’re going to be alright.”
The God of all grace, who called, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
1 Peter 5:10