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Just Have Faith…

We are now using our “Sunshine Room”…

I called Hosparus nurses to come evaluate my Bobby…

I needed a reassurance that I was seeing signs of change…

Time for us to move him to his quiet room… Filled with Sunflowers…

Everything had been made ready…

A comfortable place to sleep and rest…

A chair for me or visitors to sit…

A place to be close…

The Lord has granted Bobby two nights of peaceful sleep…

And me some hours too…

To rest my body and mind…

Our cat Jill…

Keeps me notified if she thinks my Bobby needs to be looked at… Maybe medicine time?… Or just holding his hand and whispering “I love you”…

She meows… Leading me to the bedroom door…

Sitting at doorway… Looking in…

Strange and precious…

 My sister has spent the night a few times…

Neighbors have been at my doorstep…

Visitors of nephew, nieces, great nieces, friends…the boys…daughter-in-law, grandchildren, brother…

Sweet words across distances…from a cousin…his sister’s…

My Lord has never forsaken us…

A long prayer sometimes…

A quick one sometimes…

All answered in due time…

Donuts…cookies… Treats that serve all who enter our door…

I watch as he sleeps…  I look for breathing at times… The up and down of his chest…

Even laying my hand on him…

He opens his eyes for brief moments…

As I continue pain and anxiety medications to keep him calm and pain free…

I will have nurses this coming week… Three times a week instead of one…

I’ve been offered help in bathing and such…

But, I told them I wanted to care for him at least one more weekend…

Until he needs more than what I am able to give…

The Hosparus Team…

Have given me wonderful support…

Answering my questions…

Coming an extra trip for my reassurance…

Explaining issues clearly…

Offering any help with equipment… to medications… to kind words…

Our journey of three years has been painful at times…

Heartbreaking at times…

A learning process at times…

The people who have been our support…

What can I say???

My Dad would say…”Just say Thank You!”…

My niece brought this to me yesterday…

Thanks my Puppet!

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This entry was posted on April 22, 2018. 6 Comments

Last Weeks… Maybe Days…

That’s what I have been told…

Actually I read it in the Hosperas book that I was given a little over a month ago…

The nurse handed it to me… Marking the page… And said read…

It’s  summation of things that will happen nearing the end of a cancer…

(terminally ill) person…

Let’s say…

My Bobby is hitting lots of the issues…

No eating… Refusal to eat!…

NO energy… Sleeping most of the time… But, restlass when does…

Actually barely able to walk with a walker to the bathroom… 

*mental note… Get a potty chair closer to him…

Not drinking…

Hallucinating from drug (morphine)…

“Sees things like in 3D”, he tells me…

Hears things… Getting very agitated with me if I say, “No one at door”…
Or, ” You are just dreaming babe”…

Change in skin… color and texture…

Not getting rid of mucus like before…

Decrease in urine output… And bowel movement…

Pet (our Jill) acting different… Hovering close…

Feet swelling…

Talks so low… More of a mumble… 

Of course very agitated if I ask him to repeat…

These are issues listed + a few more…

We have most!…

Final One Week or Two” is the sub heading …

So… we have to have lots of patience… 

Love him… Keeping as safe and comfortable as possible…

I failed to mention… He has fallen 3 times…

All preventable if he would have not tried to walk on own…

But, that’s a natural reaction… Wanting to not ask for help… Thinking he could do it…

I was here…

Once only 4-5 ft. away… Other time in another room…

Thank goodness… Not hurt at all…

Lifting him with what little strength he has left… to give me …

From laying down, to knees, to ottoman, to walker…

We did manage…

Pain can be managed…
They reassure me and him of that…

He asks, “How much time”…

My heart can’t bring me to say those words…

And it is not for me to know anyway…

I can only speculate with those who have seen this scenario so many times…

But, time is drawing near…

When agitated …

We pray together… Read from our comforting book…

And sit and hold each other…

I plant kisses on his face and head so many times a day…

I try to keep him clean… Smelling good…

Washing body by hand… Creaming his dry feet, legs and arms…

Change his clothes…

Even shaved and trimmed hair right where he sits in his recliner…

Not, perfect… but, both of us felt better…

These are the things I have heard “Others”… talk about in that care giver mode…

And now know first hand…

What a devastating desease…

Wrecking havoc with the fragile body we have…

Watching until you actually will welcome death…

To ease their pain and life that seems to have nothing else to give…

And for yourself even…

Being so weary…

So tired…

Feeling so helpless…

Eyes wanting to shut…

Body just wanting to stretch out and give in to blissfill sleep…

What a gambit of emotions!

But, I will say…

When asking God to help us…

He has not failed us…

Giving us Peace…

Giving us answers…

Giving us a Love that is felt throughout even a sick or weary body…

Thank you Lord…

When Scared…

Yesterday … after helping Bobby to bathroom…

Helping him get washed…

Getting his clothes on him…

Even combing hair…

And yes I now know how to shave my man…

All of these things I do…

Do it lovingingly…

I know he is quite humiliated at times…

His privacy taken away…

His self-esteem lowered to the lowest level…

He struggles with the hospital bed I felt was necessary…

Maybe not as much now as it will later…

I just want him to be able to lay down… Stretch out… And hopefully sleep peacefully…

He sleeps better on one side due to tumor… Probably more than one from what we can feel…

I got him settled where I could run my son back to his place…

I cried going and really cried coming back…

Due to being alone…

I then remembered I wasn’t alone…

My Jesus is with me all of the time…

Seeing me… Listening to me… Feeling my hurt and enjoying my happy days as well…

Yesterday… I felt so scared…

I had lost my confidence in helping my guy…

I prayed for him to be resting peacefully when I returned…

To have no pain and sleep with a calmness you get when not bothered by worldly worries… Sickness… And those thoughts that run through our minds…

I found him sleeping like a baby…

And checking on him ever now and then…

He slept for about 3-1/2 hours…

Are prayers answered?…

Absolutely!…
Hospital Bed in our “Sunshine Room” and Sunflower Mobile…

Cards from a friend framed…

My spot or his… depends on our feelings at the time…

Up or Down…

Reading… Watching TV… Talking… Visiting…

Add a Sunflower… Decorate a simple clock…

And this sign says it all…


This entry was posted on April 16, 2018. 7 Comments

Succumbing…

My Bobby is getting weaker and weaker daily…
Has trouble walking… Mostly due to weakness…. And some due to the nuropathy in feet… They say the chemo caused this…

Balance has made me fretfal… Thinking he may fall…

My sister brought us a walker… Good heighth for him and he doesn’t hesitate to use it in the house…

Hosperas has brought us a transport wheelchair…

Using it when we go out about once a week…

Although it exhausts him like now…

We went out for a little while and it exerts him so much he comes in and immediately drops off into a sound sleep…

**********

He looks so good in this photo with two of our Grandkids…

Easter- 2018

Sons and Daughter-in-law…

Just love them!

As he sleeps… he is dreaming constantly…

Either moving arms or legs… Or talking…

He says the dreams are life-like…

From what we understand…

the morphine causes this…

And we were told by Doctor… It would be hallucinating symptoms when he needs a larger dosage…

After not being able to sleep in our bed…

Way too flat…

He opts to nap a little on couch… but, mainly sleeps in his recliner…

The tumors pushing on his diaphragm making his pain so bad at times…

We discussed a hospital bed where he can sit-lay in bed… And maybe get a better night’s sleep…

The bed is ordered… Waiting on delivery…

*********

Jill, our cat of 18 years…

Is always close by…

Eating has almost stopped…

Small breakfast…

Nutrition drinks…

A bite or two during day… And not much at night except maybe a juice drink or a few sips of coffee…

Bathing has been turned over to me…

Helping him in shower…

As he holds onto bar in shower… I wash… 

Getting in and out is a little scary… Due to thought of falling…

Cold is not his friend…

Needing heat up higher…

A throw spread over him most of the time…

Pajamas… And sweats… Have become my guys fashion…

Nothing tight across his stomach…

We had front yard cut by neighbor today…

An offer of supper from my brother and niece last night…

Visits planned by a friend and nephew next week…

Sister bringing lunch and going with me to get Bobby out for a few hours…

Neighbors visit…

A niece drops by and visits with her Uncle Bobby and washes my dishes while I got out for an hour…

Son when over… Gets trash out…

Picks up things around house…

Replaced two toilet seats which was needed…

Keeps laundry going…

Card from friend…

Phone calls daily…

This is all in one week…

We have so much to be thankful for…

Even though we have had to succumb due to certain issues…

The Love God shows us through all that aid us…

is just awesome…

Thank you Jesus!

Amen

This entry was posted on April 6, 2018. 4 Comments

Easter … A Love Given to Us!

I’ve already straightened up the kitchen… and living room…

My two most used rooms right now…

Living room… More like a bedroom…

We both sleep so erratic…

Bobby needing his pain meds…

A drink…

Maybe a bite to eat…

I have learned to grab a couple hours of sleep when able or just have to have…

My Bobby is doing so much sleeping (cat napping) I call it…

Strong meds I’m sure the reason for this…

He wakes with vivid dreams that he relates…

I notice I’m taking some Ibuprofen for achy body… Or a Tylenol for headache…

We still rally to talk to company…

Bobby has ideas of getting out… But, not always possible…

We are going (planning on) to my youngest son’s home to be with our little family on Easter…

Seeing the Grandkids… Sons… Daughter-in-law, her Mom and puppies….

They have 4 when we all get together…

Dinner is always delicious…

My contribution will be my green beans (they are good!)… Deviled eggs… and a dessert…

No egg hunting anymore…

Teenagers… And a young adult now grace our presence…

I might try and come up with a game… They like that…

Today a few eggs may be dyed…

Just a tradition I have to keep doing for awhile longer…

I look over to see if Bobby ate any breakfast…

Not much… we

A few bites…

But, I will take that…

He might have more of an appetite later…

He surprises me…

We had a visit from his Hosparus nurse on Tuesday…

She is excellent…

We go over his strengths and things that can be tweaked to be better…

The Hosparus  chaplain came by Wednesday…

Of course… he was nice…

Offering kindness and prayers…

We have a few visitors every week…

My sister is diligent in her visits…

She makes us laugh and shows us much love…

My brother and his daughter bring us lunch… 

Nice visit … Good conversation… Bobby ate good!…

Yesterday… my brother dropped off a BBQ sandwich for Bobby and I got buttermilk pie…

How sweet is that!…

My cousin in Tennessee mails us a treat once a month…

This time was wonderful bagels…

 I bought a variety of flavored cream cheeses to spread on them for breakfast and snacks…

Yummy!…

So…

As you see…

We are so blessed with many kinds of gifts… Offers of help… And so many things that would take another page to mention…

Got to go with a neighbor friend to see “I Can Only Imagine”…

A wonderful movie…

A wonderful song…

A true interpretation of how Good works…

The Love that is felt is overwhelming…

The hand of God is leading and comforting us…

May all who reads…

Have a blessed Easter…

Knowing that Jesus covered us with His Blood…

As he took all of our sins upon himself…

That we might have a wonderful life…

It is up to us to come to Him…

and partake in this joy that is beyond understanding…

Can YOU only imagine???

Amen

This entry was posted on March 30, 2018. 2 Comments

A Day of Sunshine

Yesterday we had up to 8 inches of snow in some areas…

Today… Bright Sunshine!

I love both!

Bobby always says, “You see something beautiful or something good in EVERYTHING”…

and I do!…

God’s creations are awesome to me!…

I think HE made these things for us to view in that manner…

To bring joy in the worst of times!…

I finally found my Easter Decorations that I had hid from myself…

Some old… Some new…

Only have about two weeks until this season will pass from us…

Came upon me quick…

My sister brought me this Easter Planter… 

I sat it on a pretty glass plate of flowers that I found at my Favorite Thrift Store…

I piddled putting a little here… A little there… 

An Easter Basket I put together for the front door…

A wood bunny I have had for years… Added to my indoor wreath…

Carrots that spell EASTER…

A sweet Bunny sits beside an Easter Card I had framed…

Ceramic Easter Egg Ornaments adorn the sconces in my kitchen… another find at Unique Thrift…

A stuffed Bunny with Polka Dot blue ears…

These two plates would be cute hung…

Love the older prints… 

I hope you can find the joy in God’s creations…

This entry was posted on March 22, 2018. 4 Comments

Our Daily Routine


I sit here watching my Bobby sleep… Had a pretty good night… Just up once for his Morphine…

I watch him as he catnaps this morning…

Reaching for something…

A jerk every now and then…

Mumbling a few words I can’t understand…

They say that’s the Morphine Medication…

All these drugs have side effects…

He is now just on that drug I dreaded… Knowing it is his help aid with the cancer that is growing in his body…

Other than that…

A baby aspirin

Blood pressure med

Sinus/allergy every now and then for drainage… Causing dry heaving…

A small dosage of Zoloft for his mind to stay more at ease…

His blood sugar regulated better than ever…

Meds to keep body functioning…

His tummy is extended with the tumor growing…

Can’t wear his jeans… Going to more stretchy sweats and pants…

That was a blow to him…

Seems small… but, it hurts his self- esteem…

The nuropathy in feet making his feet numb… Due to chemo drugs…

Having him walk slow and getting his balance at times…

He now has his favorite chair…

Loves the throws that have been given him from Honor Flight, Hosparus Vet Program and a small Prayer Throw from my sister that was blessed by her Priest…

Our couch is wore out…

Sleeping on it every day and sometimes at night…

A quilt covers it now…

A place to rest…

is so much more important than what it looks like…

He awoke for a short while for me to get his pain med… Drank with a glass of Chocolate Ovaltine… 

It has minerals/ vitamins… Which seemed better than some things… And he likes it!…Yeah!…

Eating is sporadic… Surprising me sometimes with things he wants to try…

Whatever it is… I will get!…

A short trip out last night… To get out of house….

means wheel chair time… These trips are rare now…

Another blow to his self-esteem…

Saying, “I never could imagine me like this!”….

Lifting the chair in and out of car is not too good for me…

Plus pushing…

But, he will never know how it hurts my back and legs…

He will be exhausted today…

But, I still think when he gets out…

Can only be good for his mind…

We have our white hair back… his trademark…

Although such a different texture…

Like soft baby hair, but, filling in…

It will be shower/ shaving day…

When his energy builds up…

Our days in a glance…

And I love every minute of it…

Remembering my guy in his youth when we met…

And going over in our minds the great times we shared…

Yes… Changes we all will go through…

It’s just “our time”…

The Love of God that has encompassed us is amazing…

I will take our aging process, the talks we have had, the heart pain, the physical pain… Even cancer…

For the closeness this has brought us to our Heavenly Father…

We are immensely Blessed!

Amen…

This entry was posted on March 17, 2018. 5 Comments