and at the end of the day… I was Blessed!

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My Bobby passed away on April 29, 2018…

Today, February 1, 2019…

we would have been married for 50 years…

AS I stated on FACEBOOK today…

He tried to stay with me until we could celebrate this landmark together…

but, God called him home 10 months earlier…

So…

today I was desperately sad…

and cried…

and wished for him…

But, for such a sad day…

I was gifted with an early morning invite for coffee from a great friend…

I got numerous phone calls…

I took my walk outside…

I was hand delivered a thoughtful, caring card from a neighbor…

I was told “I love you” from my sister, cousin and older friend David…

I had a long visit with interesting conversation with my great friend I mentioned earlier…

I was asked about my well-being from other neighbors and my mailman…

I made meatloaf and fried apple pies…

that were delicious…

I read my devotional and Bible… which brings me strengthening words…

I can say as the evening comes to a close…

I was Blessed…

 

 

 

 

 

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I Screamed…

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Talk about depression…

OH, LET’S NOT!

Tired of the word…

Tired of feeling that way…

Tired of saying it…

Tired of hearing about it…

Tired!…TIRED!…TIRED!

My life has to change…

What’s BAD…

is that it did just that!…

SO… now it’s up to me to change it again…

I didn’t ask for this job…

BUT…

Only ME…

will be able to do it…

My beginnings in doing just that are…

1. Began blogging again
2. When people asked me,” How are you ?”…

I began to tell them the truth…

“It’s awful!”…

“It sucks!”…

“It hurts!”…

“There is nothing like it in the world!”…

I think they were quite surprised except for a few very close friends…

that these words were coming from my mouth…

3. I had lost weight… about 40 pounds…

On purpose?…

No!

Stress, anxiety and heartache can do this…

Glad?…

I’ll take weight loss anyway I get it…

Let’s be truthful!…

4. I heard exercise is good for my symptoms…

I began to walk… a mile a day…

I joined the YMCA again…

Got a trainer… helping me to set up a gradual program…

using different machines with weights…

Still walking a mile every other day now…

It does help…

5. I found a small church that meets my needs…

Good people…

Lord’s word…

Bible learned…

Meeting new people…

6. I am trying to erase a person I became unwillingly…

I was saying, acting, and trying to be anyone but, ME!…

GUESS WHAT?

It was horrible…

Degrading…

Painful…

Agonizing even…

I was losing people I loved… and cared about…

I was staying away from people who loved me…

I wanted to hibernate…

I was a person even I didn’t recognize…

7. I am going to be ME!…

Actually told that by a very good friend…

“Just be you!”…

Who was that…

Never again would I be the same…

Never again would I feel right again…

Never again would I be as happy…

Never again will I be loved in the same way…

That hurt the worse!…

I needed that so bad!…

8. I asked God to just take me one night…

Too weak to do it myself…

and knowing in my thoughts I wouldn’t…

I asked why?…

Knowing the answer…

I screamed…

Only one hearing me was my cat…

Who cared?…

Who could do anything for me?…

No one…

But, me… and my

Faithful Companion!…

MY GOD…

MY DEAR JESUS!…

The ONE who could calm my fears,

wipe my tears,

hold me tight,

give me answers,

and Bless My Hurtful Soul…

I still struggle daily…

but, know where, what and how my heart will begin to heal…

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7.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Confidant

I awake to a little girl calling me…

My Jill is as sad as me…

She cries loudly…

I want to scream as loud…

We are so lost…

Our insides are wretched with pain…

How many tears can flow?…

Dropping from my eyes like heavy raindrops…

I ask…

How many thoughts can race through your mind?…

How much sleep can be taken?…

The longing for the touch of that someone who can’t…

My little girl hibernates in a box she found during the Christmas season…

HER refuge!…

My refuge is the night…

I pray…

To be able to make it through another day…

I wear myself out to get a moments rest…

I’m so tired of trying…

To put on a smile…

To hold my head up high…

To listen and see “couples”…

That I am not anymore…

So…

My old cat, my confidant in pain…

and I…

will scream our pain to each other…

WE feel the loss that we share…

Together…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grieving TWICE… NO Picnic!

I get asked all of the time…

“How are you doing?”…

My husband died April 29, 2018… after 49 years of marriage…

8 months ago…

“How am I doing?”…

AWFUL!

TERRIBLE!…

HORRIBLE!…

IT absolutely sucks!…

I cry all of the time…

I don’t eat…

I don’t sleep…

My mind stays in a tumbled mess…

I have done things I would NEVER do in my life…

I’ve lost a great friend…

He helped my husband and myself when Bobby got cancer…

almost 4 years now…

After Bobby passed he kept helping…

I was weak…

needy…

lost…

and this neighbor friend was going through a loss too…

His girlfriend of many years and her two grandsons left him…

and he was devastated…

We began talking and spending a lot of time together…

He had stated many times…

He wasn’t getting involved… with anyone…

FRIENDS was the word I heard over and over…

but, I fell… hook, line and sinker as they say…

Head over heels in love with him…

I tried to NOT have the feelings that built up in me… but, a time came that it came from my lips how I felt…

He was having none of that…

and with the words spoken…

you would think I would (could) back off…

but, NO…

I was not able to…

I tried so hard…

I went over all of my feelings and why I was having them…

Didn’t help…

He started to drift away…

ME… saying, I would accept him as a friend…

NO luck on my side…

The least bit of attention he gave me…

had me wanting him more…

Evidently a woman sees things in such a different manner than a man…

and especially one used to having a man dote on her… love her with all of his might… and show her constant affection for so long…

He was angry!…

and shifted attention to another lady in neighborhood…

and the worst “green-eyed monster” (jealousy) rose its head from within me…

I could not believe who I had become myself…

although he saw no part in this that he played…

Just being a kind friend…

a hug… a kiss good night… bringing dinner to share… helping me with all kinds of projects…

All my fault?…

I can not agree…

so…

as of now…

I am not talking or seeing him…

lying low as possible…

although he wanted to be “friends”… again…

I think that’s where all of this started…

and I seem to be the only one hurting…

I will mend…

although I wasn’t sure I would survive…

Grieving twice in these last eight months is NO PICNIC!…

so… BEWARE of men offering comfort and “friendship”…

IT HURTS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never the OLD ME Again…

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6 months will pass in a few days…

I have found myself burying my grief deep inside…

I would cry all of the time if I didn’t…

I am so lonely…

although my wonderful friend has been a blessing…

He lifts me up whenever I feel blue…

Silliness, talking (lots of talking), coffee in the morning,

a hug at night…

My home has lost it’s pizzazz…

WE had it all…

Love, a good marriage, best friends, knew each other’s next word…

Touch is what I miss worse…

sometimes no words were needed…

funny jokes…

a certain grin…

my handyman…

loved cooking breakfast for my man…

I can’t eat BBQ, fish, grits with butter, salt and pepper…

Unexpected hugs… and kisses…

You think you are through grieving…

but, actually it only gets worse…

I have delved into painting my kitchen…

almost done…

My living room area next…

I have a lot to do…

and know change is the only way to get me back…

I have lost 27 pounds…more to go…

I have styled my hair different… Love it…

I’ve started some exercises…

all of the above drastically needed…

My kids are good to me…

helping when needed…

and my Grandkids bring smiles to my face whenever I get to see them…

My kitty Jill…

talks loud to me all of the time…

if not in my arms like she is comforting me…

I like my alone time sometimes…

I can watch a movie, read and lately I sketch…

My mind gets lost in doing that!…

I read my devotional daily… and Bible to keep me on the right path…

Lunch with a friend from High School is about every 3 weeks…

WE can do a lot of talking too…

Good for both of us…

We have our favorite restaurant that serves French breakfast or lunch…

and the best muffins…

I have failed my blogging friends in keeping up with their news…

I seem to be changing my old habits in for new ones…

Their friendship NO… what a blessing they gave me…

I see myself as a kind of recluse…

My mind resonates with memories that I try to shut out…

I know it’s early…

but, at times to me it seems forever…

I have a cousin that talks long distance every day…and a sister close that does the same…

They keep me sane…

and let me run off my mouth without acting bored…

I will survive…

but, I may never be my old self…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Painting “Kitchen”

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I haven’t written in a while…

Trying to keep busy as possible…

Our home had been neglected in the last three years…

Had worked on outside when Bobby passed…

Now… inside is priority…

Kitchen… my favorite room…

needed painting bad…

 

New lights suggested by my neighbor who helps me so much…

They look awesome! … and so much brighter…

I hadn’t realized how dirty everything was…

how faded…

just worn out…

wallpaper removed…

wood sanded…

caulking…

it is hard work…

 

Finally got to point of painting above the wainscoting that is on bottom half of kitchen…

My neighbor to the rescue again…

Would have been more ahead of the game if the guy at Home Depot had mixed my color right…

He actually didn’t put the color tint in my paint at all…

my light gray was “white”…

me, wondering why it just didn’t look right… duh!

so taking paint back…

getting a new gallon of the right color… I began again…

As I was actually struggling at this point…

My best friend who usually comes to my rescue…

came in and immediately began painting…

I ended up being his “runner”…

“hand me this person”…

“moving things and looking for any defects”…

which there are few…

pretty much a perfectionist…

and FAST!

“rinse towel out”…

“wipe up any drips”…

He whips it out in no time…

I’m good at clean up… I decided…

Probably the position I need to stick to…

I am going to try to paint wainscoting today…

a darker gray…

We decided on a different darker shade of gray for chair rail…

Do I want to paint?… of course not!…

But, I will…

Has to be done… and I am so ready for this project to be done…

Oh, yeah!… forgot to say…

I am going to paint my kitchen cabinets also…

“Glutton for punishment”… you say…

but, something that needs to be done…

and will make kitchen look so much better…

My budget is very limited as you can tell…

but, so grateful for where I am…

I’m able to keep my home…

and the work needed will get done…

My sons have been good to help… but, my “go to” is my best friend neighbor…

He has kept me focused…

made me laugh and smile…

and reassured me… I will be OK!…

and that “All is good!”…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To Live Again…

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I see Sunflowers still…

so vividly in places unexpected…

I feel my Bobby’s presence…

probably making sure I’m alright…

wanting to take care of me…

not wanting me to get hurt…

A good thing for me…

feeling his love still…

**************************************************

Taking wallpaper off my kitchen…

NOT FUN!…

but, is an achievement…

After Bobby passed I was so bad physically and mentally…

gaining weight…

not caring what I wore…

“I”… had ceased to exist really…

Time was centered on my Bobby…

Appointments…

Chemo treatments and scans…

and then 3 years had passed…

and my every moment was totally in “care” mode to make him as comfortable as possible…

Not one moment would I take back…

I totally adored my LOVE…

and to care for that person is ultimate…

But, now…

I am feeling myself coming back…

like I have had a good fresh drink of water…

given a little fertilizer…

and pampered back to the living…

I feel my body responding with more energy…

my mind clearing…

actually thinking for myself and seeing me blossom a little as the flowers do with the care the Lord shines down on them…

I feel the Lord has put special people in my life lately…

showing me I will make it…

making me smile and laugh again…

feeling my God’s loving arms around me…

taking my hand and leading me forward…

I pray every day for my Jesus to guide me on the right path…

I lean on Him more now than ever…

I’m a vulnerable creature…

Heartache and pain can do this…

but, each time I pray…

the answers are as clear as bright sunshine on water…

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So…

I will be led by Him…

and learn to grow in another direction…

the future for my life…

a wonderful newness…

and with determination I will get the wallpaper off…

stand tall… breathe…

and wait for the next project and adventures of this new journey…

some small accomplishments and…

some joyous in discovering “me” again…