My Confidant

I awake to a little girl calling me…

My Jill is as sad as me…

She cries loudly…

I want to scream as loud…

We are so lost…

Our insides are wretched with pain…

How many tears can flow?…

Dropping from my eyes like heavy raindrops…

I ask…

How many thoughts can race through your mind?…

How much sleep can be taken?…

The longing for the touch of that someone who can’t…

My little girl hibernates in a box she found during the Christmas season…

HER refuge!…

My refuge is the night…

I pray…

To be able to make it through another day…

I wear myself out to get a moments rest…

I’m so tired of trying…

To put on a smile…

To hold my head up high…

To listen and see “couples”…

That I am not anymore…

So…

My old cat, my confidant in pain…

and I…

will scream our pain to each other…

WE feel the loss that we share…

Together…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This entry was posted on January 11, 2019. 5 Comments

Grieving TWICE… NO Picnic!

I get asked all of the time…

“How are you doing?”…

My husband died April 29, 2018… after 49 years of marriage…

8 months ago…

“How am I doing?”…

AWFUL!

TERRIBLE!…

HORRIBLE!…

IT absolutely sucks!…

I cry all of the time…

I don’t eat…

I don’t sleep…

My mind stays in a tumbled mess…

I have done things I would NEVER do in my life…

I’ve lost a great friend…

He helped my husband and myself when Bobby got cancer…

almost 4 years now…

After Bobby passed he kept helping…

I was weak…

needy…

lost…

and this neighbor friend was going through a loss too…

His girlfriend of many years and her two grandsons left him…

and he was devastated…

We began talking and spending a lot of time together…

He had stated many times…

He wasn’t getting involved… with anyone…

FRIENDS was the word I heard over and over…

but, I fell… hook, line and sinker as they say…

Head over heels in love with him…

I tried to NOT have the feelings that built up in me… but, a time came that it came from my lips how I felt…

He was having none of that…

and with the words spoken…

you would think I would (could) back off…

but, NO…

I was not able to…

I tried so hard…

I went over all of my feelings and why I was having them…

Didn’t help…

He started to drift away…

ME… saying, I would accept him as a friend…

NO luck on my side…

The least bit of attention he gave me…

had me wanting him more…

Evidently a woman sees things in such a different manner than a man…

and especially one used to having a man dote on her… love her with all of his might… and show her constant affection for so long…

He was angry!…

and shifted attention to another lady in neighborhood…

and the worst “green-eyed monster” (jealousy) rose its head from within me…

I could not believe who I had become myself…

although he saw no part in this that he played…

Just being a kind friend…

a hug… a kiss good night… bringing dinner to share… helping me with all kinds of projects…

All my fault?…

I can not agree…

so…

as of now…

I am not talking or seeing him…

lying low as possible…

although he wanted to be “friends”… again…

I think that’s where all of this started…

and I seem to be the only one hurting…

I will mend…

although I wasn’t sure I would survive…

Grieving twice in these last eight months is NO PICNIC!…

so… BEWARE of men offering comfort and “friendship”…

IT HURTS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This entry was posted on December 30, 2018. 2 Comments

Never the OLD ME Again…

greyscale photography of woman wearing long sleeved top

Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

6 months will pass in a few days…

I have found myself burying my grief deep inside…

I would cry all of the time if I didn’t…

I am so lonely…

although my wonderful friend has been a blessing…

He lifts me up whenever I feel blue…

Silliness, talking (lots of talking), coffee in the morning,

a hug at night…

My home has lost it’s pizzazz…

WE had it all…

Love, a good marriage, best friends, knew each other’s next word…

Touch is what I miss worse…

sometimes no words were needed…

funny jokes…

a certain grin…

my handyman…

loved cooking breakfast for my man…

I can’t eat BBQ, fish, grits with butter, salt and pepper…

Unexpected hugs… and kisses…

You think you are through grieving…

but, actually it only gets worse…

I have delved into painting my kitchen…

almost done…

My living room area next…

I have a lot to do…

and know change is the only way to get me back…

I have lost 27 pounds…more to go…

I have styled my hair different… Love it…

I’ve started some exercises…

all of the above drastically needed…

My kids are good to me…

helping when needed…

and my Grandkids bring smiles to my face whenever I get to see them…

My kitty Jill…

talks loud to me all of the time…

if not in my arms like she is comforting me…

I like my alone time sometimes…

I can watch a movie, read and lately I sketch…

My mind gets lost in doing that!…

I read my devotional daily… and Bible to keep me on the right path…

Lunch with a friend from High School is about every 3 weeks…

WE can do a lot of talking too…

Good for both of us…

We have our favorite restaurant that serves French breakfast or lunch…

and the best muffins…

I have failed my blogging friends in keeping up with their news…

I seem to be changing my old habits in for new ones…

Their friendship NO… what a blessing they gave me…

I see myself as a kind of recluse…

My mind resonates with memories that I try to shut out…

I know it’s early…

but, at times to me it seems forever…

I have a cousin that talks long distance every day…and a sister close that does the same…

They keep me sane…

and let me run off my mouth without acting bored…

I will survive…

but, I may never be my old self…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This entry was posted on October 25, 2018. 4 Comments

Painting “Kitchen”

person holding paint roller while painting the wall

Photo by Stephanie Ho on Pexels.com

I haven’t written in a while…

Trying to keep busy as possible…

Our home had been neglected in the last three years…

Had worked on outside when Bobby passed…

Now… inside is priority

Kitchen… my favorite room…

needed painting bad…

 

New lights suggested by my neighbor who helps me so much…

They look awesome! … and so much brighter…

I hadn’t realized how dirty everything was…

how faded…

just worn out…

wallpaper removed…

wood sanded…

caulking…

it is hard work…

 

Finally got to point of painting above the wainscoting that is on bottom half of kitchen…

My neighbor to the rescue again…

Would have been more ahead of the game if the guy at Home Depot had mixed my color right…

He actually didn’t put the color tint in my paint at all…

my light gray was “white”…

me, wondering why it just didn’t look right… duh!

so taking paint back…

getting a new gallon of the right color… I began again…

As I was actually struggling at this point…

My best friend who usually comes to my rescue…

came in and immediately began painting…

I ended up being his “runner”…

“hand me this person”

“moving things and looking for any defects”

which there are few…

pretty much a perfectionist…

and FAST!

“rinse towel out”

“wipe up any drips”

He whips it out in no time…

I’m good at clean up… I decided…

Probably the position I need to stick to…

I am going to try to paint wainscoting today…

a darker gray…

We decided on a different darker shade of gray for chair rail…

Do I want to paint?… of course not!…

But, I will…

Has to be done… and I am so ready for this project to be done…

Oh, yeah!… forgot to say…

I am going to paint my kitchen cabinets also…

“Glutton for punishment”… you say…

but, something that needs to be done…

and will make kitchen look so much better…

My budget is very limited as you can tell…

but, so grateful for where I am…

I’m able to keep my home…

and the work needed will get done…

My sons have been good to help… but, my “go to” is my best friend neighbor…

He has kept me focused…

made me laugh and smile

and reassured me… I will be OK!…

and that “All is good!”…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This entry was posted on October 11, 2018. 6 Comments

To Live Again…

photo of sunflower

Photo by icon0.com on Pexels.com

 

I see Sunflowers still…

so vividly in places unexpected…

I feel my Bobby’s presence…

probably making sure I’m alright…

wanting to take care of me…

not wanting me to get hurt…

A good thing for me…

feeling his love still…

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Taking wallpaper off my kitchen…

NOT FUN!…

but, is an achievement…

After Bobby passed I was so bad physically and mentally…

gaining weight…

not caring what I wore…

“I”… had ceased to exist really…

Time was centered on my Bobby…

Appointments…

Chemo treatments and scans…

and then 3 years had passed…

and my every moment was totally in “care” mode to make him as comfortable as possible…

Not one moment would I take back…

I totally adored my LOVE…

and to care for that person is ultimate…

But, now…

I am feeling myself coming back…

like I have had a good fresh drink of water…

given a little fertilizer…

and pampered back to the living…

I feel my body responding with more energy…

my mind clearing…

actually thinking for myself and seeing me blossom a little as the flowers do with the care the Lord shines down on them…

I feel the Lord has put special people in my life lately…

showing me I will make it…

making me smile and laugh again…

feeling my God’s loving arms around me…

taking my hand and leading me forward…

I pray every day for my Jesus to guide me on the right path…

I lean on Him more now than ever…

I’m a vulnerable creature…

Heartache and pain can do this…

but, each time I pray…

the answers are as clear as bright sunshine on water…

clouds dawn lake landscape

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

So…

I will be led by Him…

and learn to grow in another direction…

the future for my life…

a wonderful newness…

and with determination I will get the wallpaper off…

stand tall… breathe…

and wait for the next project and adventures of this new journey…

some small accomplishments and…

some joyous in discovering “me” again…

 

 

 

 

 

 

This entry was posted on September 5, 2018. 7 Comments

A New Journey

lots-of-lovely-people-in-theworld

I feel like I live in two worlds…

My life has changed so drastically…

The past is fading…

Memories are there…

but, some how is being pushed aside for the life I am beginning to live now…

It makes you feel guilty at times…

although how it happened was NOT a fault…

but, a happening…

I had no control of the how that life ended and the new one I’m beginning to experience is becoming…

I pray daily for direction…

That I make right decisions…

That I am moving on to be able to cope with my loss…

LOSS is so hard to get through…

You are left to cope with all of the emotions…

I feel God wants me to happy…

As a child of HIS… He wants the right moments to come together perfectly…

WE tend to want “NOW” so much…

but, it is a process…

sometimes slower than we want…

Who am I to question the rushing of feelings…

of emotions…

of wants and desires…

of my mind trying to make sense of all that is happening…

I keep seeing GOOD!…

I keep feeling joy…

I keep smiling…

and laughter comes so easily…

So…

I ask you Dear Lord…

Let my mind rest…

Proceed with this new journey…

Your WILL be done…

This entry was posted on August 24, 2018. 10 Comments

Life Changes…

My life continues to change…

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I’ve decided to stay in my house

I might have had no choice but, to move…

But, the Lord has blessed me and I am able to stay…

The comfort that gives me blesses me more than I knew…

Familiarity is nice…

I’ve made a few necessary home improvements

and will continue to work on others…

Ceiling in kitchen… needed fixing… leading to taking down old wallpaper… then will wallpaper the walls with something new…

colors will be different…

and decorative pieces will change…

I hear “change” is good…

some yes!… some no!…

Neighbors / family and friends still complete me…

giving help, talking and listening…

They want the best for me…

Isn’t that wonderful…

My oldest son continues to spend the night a couple times each week…

My youngest calls to check on me and gives me his time with projects when needed…

My sister  and I went on a trip… Visiting a favorite cousin

who lives in Tennessee on the way to Georgia…

where Bobby’s sisters awaited our visiting also…

We were treated with such love and care at my cousins…

Good food, lots of laughter/talking, gifts of special Bundt Cakes /Body Lotion products  and trying a special “Pineapple Upside Down Martini”…

We felt like “Princesses”… or “Prince Ass” as we joked…

Had to have been there!...

We tried to see who we could talk to on way down…

“our specialty“…

talking and finding out so much in a few minutes about perfect strangers…

We were told we needed to keep an album…

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What a GREAT idea!…

since leaving Louisville… we met a guy at a McDonalds…

who was washing windows

of course he played along with us on our “meeting strangers” adventure…

He said, “You all made my day!”… 

another guy took our photos for us at the restaurant where we had our Martinis…

and obliged us with a photo this time…

Next day headed to Georgia…

Sister-in-law time...

Hosted by Sarah… Bobby’s oldest sister…

Food awaited us with a nephew, his wife and their daughter…

Sarah makes us feel so comfortable… feels like home…

Before we got there… we had made a pit stop after driving through Atlanta…

Maybe…

not the best place to stop…

but, we were treated respectively…

and that’s where a gentleman asked ME for directions…

As I said I was from Louisville…

He said, “Not going to be much help!”… and laughed…

I referred him to the place we had just used the bathroom at…

another one for our album…

Then sister decides to buy smokes there as I waited in car…

She was soooo long coming out…

I thought she had probably gotten kidnapped and taken out the back door…

when…

she appeared at the car…

ONLY Menthol Cigarettes…

but, beggars  can’t be choosy as they say…

and she was probably afraid NOT to buy something!…

Spent the night and next day Sarah took us to see her husband’s resting place since he had passed away in January…

Beautiful place…

and then to visit other two sisters…

brother-in-law, 2 nieces, and  2 nephews 

Had been awhile since I laughed so hard!…

“Cherry Moonshine “ might have encouraged the laughter…

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The sweetest people on Earth!…

love them so much…

Best SHORT visit I’ve ever had!…

Lorene having open heart surgery the 27th…

so glad we were able to see her before this…

Next day was a girl’s day of shopping and having lunch out…

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New clothes (dresses) were bought… including shoes for my sis and me…

and jewelry and a cute jacket for Sarah… We went to Cheddar’s  to eat… and after ordering … we decided on the TOWER of Onion Rings…

They were so delicious… as we dipped them into yummy sauces…

we didn’t have room for our lunch… so we boxed them up and took home for supper…

So good!…

watching an old movie and talking more of course…

and coffee/ice cream finished our day…

We decided to try to get up early… to get through Atlanta…

ALWAYS a headache!…

Since this driving such distances was new…

I actually can say I did pretty good…

Before we got home we made a pit stop to refresh ourselves and pick up some pastries… small Bundt Cakes… at our cousins’ again…

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she was gracious enough to order and pick them up for us to have for small gifts for a few neighbors/family…

As we drove home through Nashville… and onward to Kentucky…

we met one more guy…

another McDonalds…

looked 90 but, was only 63...

He had been stationed at Fort Know in the 1960’s…

for a short while…

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He told us about finding arrow heads on top of a Tennessee Mountain…

and smiled as if we were the friends he would have liked to have had…

Safe journey mentioned and smiled again…

Home was sounding so good then…

grabbed a burger and coke…

and arrived before daylight was gone…

My neighbors were there to see how our trip went as soon as we arrived…

and that’s why I will be OK…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This entry was posted on August 17, 2018. 4 Comments