Tag Archive | Anxiety

Just an Update…

We walk around in pretty much of a daze…

When news is heard that you are going to die…

it’s hard to function…

My Bobby is so depressed… full of anxiety…

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I’m in a state of holding on…

and then the tears flow uncontrollably…

We are trying to keep busy…

but, really don’t care about anything…

We have taken walks…

We have visited people…

We talk to neighbors…

We have already received cards… phone calls… such precious words…

Have even received gift cards and anonymous moneys…

telling us…”try to enjoy ourselves”…

Love all… that say these words…

I know we are loved…

We have had to talk to nurses… doctors… social workers…VA reps. … Looked at hospice care…

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It’s just about all I can do to wake up and keep going…

and seeing Bobby suffering… is the hardest…

Have talked to professionals…

Another meeting in a week or so…

Meds given for anxiety…

I’m having to think funeral in the future… and get this arranged…

I stop!… and just can’t believe it!…

We… talk about everything…

No secrets…

No hiding issues…

We are in this together…

as we have been in marriage…

So… we have been to church…

Have been out to eat…

Have been over to the kids…

Have had Doug a little more for Bobby’s sake…

and trying to make plans to fix a few things around the house…

and then…

We collapse in silence…

Reach for each other…

and hug tight…

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Sometimes right in the middle of the store…

Our feelings are shown to each other…

We have so much love to help us through…

and of course our Faith that will keep us…

 

 

 

We Did Our Best!

I’m trying to get back to some normalcy…

My anxiety level is down some…

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I’m trying to take the medication prescribed by my Doctor…

and it does help…k7884475

Our son who is now living elsewhere…

has come over a number of times…

He couldn’t be more cordial or thoughtful…

I fix lunch… and he goes through some of his things that are here at our house…

He doesn’t want too much of it at his new “home”… because of the different type of people living there…

We will store it until he decides what to do with it…

There is a lot of stuff!…k21378943

He has taken an interest in decorating his area at his new place… but, so much smaller…

He has made many acquaintances… some he calls friends… k7270990and the staff love him…

When on his medications he is terrific!…k0127825

The most thoughtful, caring person you would ever want to meet…

That is what we are seeing now…

I will always have the fear of him going off his meds… and cannot chance that happening…

We all are having to adjust to the living arrangements…

but, I think I see the light shining once again…k2679992

We have never been put down… or chastised by him in our decision!…

He seemed to have been feeling this need for change himself…

I see already a growth that was being stagnated… k9499972by him living with us…

He is having to make his own decisions…

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He is having to talk for himself…

He is having to interact with different people and situations…

He is having to be responsible!…

Whether he will live in this assisted place the rest of his life is to be seen…

I know he needs it now!…

Maybe in the future… down the road… he can have his own place…

but, that will be his decision… not ours…

I worked with kids that were handicapped and had disabilities all of my life…

and so grew to understand the hardships of being this kind of parent myself…

My heart went out to the decisions they had to make about their child… feeling what they felt…

Others…

telling them what is best!…

what is right!…

what is written in the books!…

what others have learned!…

but, it wasn’t “THEIR CHILD”…

It changes everything when you have given birth to that little boy or girl… that everyone seems to know what is best for…

The hurts you feel are real…

the compassion you feel is real…

the awful thoughts that swirl in your head are real…

the love you feel in your breaking heart is real…

I did draw on things I read…

Things I saw…

Things  I researched…

Meetings and groups I attended…

but, when  nighttime came or a new day dawnedk20963753 … it was my husband and myself dealing with this child…

who turned into a teenager…

who turned into a young adult…

and now has turned into a man…

WE were the ones held accountable…

with the good or bad decisions made…

and we did our best!…

 

 

 

 

 

Praying for Sunshine!

I awake startled!…

Hearing my son’s voice…

Not the voice I like…

That troubled voice…

I know he is not here… but, my anxiety level… is in full force… my heart pounding!…

having to get up to collect my thoughts… and know all is well…

He is safe where he is… and I am safe where I am…

Maybe… my mind is telling me…

You made the right decision…

God reminding me of how our world had become… NOT GOOD!…

So… I make my coffee… sit down and regroup… and here I am expressing my most inner thoughts…

I hope all will bear with me for a while…

I have lots of thoughts running through my head…

chest pounding with emotions that only a Mother (or Father)… can relate to concerning their child…

I will be happy again!…

I will wrap my mind around the beauty I always saw in daily living…

I will sustain…

to maybe help others in this kind of trauma…

 

I try to remember the moments of joy I had this past Christmas…

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My wonderful Grandchildren…

Carson-10 years old…

Kennedy- 13

and Taylor will be -21 in a few weeks…

 

Presents for my Grandkids… that they seemed to really like…

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Making Carson’s clock with his old Hot Wheels…

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He was wanting to hang it right then!

 

Baking cookies… enough for many families and friends…

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A husband who has had treatments for cancer all year sitting with us… and doing well…

 

Maybe not a gusto laugh… but, many smiles as I took in the faces of my loved ones…

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My youngest son with his little boy!

 

The gifts I received from caring hearts…

The Christmas cards… with the well wishes for a Happy Holiday from friends/family…

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The joy of having my youngest Granddaughter lay in my lap as I scratched her back and put my fingers through her long blond hair…

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She is taller than me… and an avid Basketball player…

 

The wonderful food prepared by my daughter-in-law as always…

smiling all of the time…

 

Our Funky Christmas socks… worn by all!

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The kind words of family and friends as they felt some of my pain…

The joy of having my troubled son with us… watching him talking and at times struggling … to fit in…

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My Granddaughter’s boyfriend sitting among us… with a smile on his face… as he took in what Family can be like…

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Blessings from my Lord…

surrounding us in the most difficult times…

I’m beginning to feel …

Not perfect…

but, if I let the sunshine through…

I might recover!

 

 

“Waiting Anxiety!”

Gift…

If you have to wait  on something… I suggest staying busy!… Waiting is to stay in place in expectation…or be in readiness!… Usually when I’m waiting I’m definitely ready! … I’m ready to find out… I’m ready to go… I’m ready to see someone… I’m ready to leave… I’m ready to get it done! … I bide my time… I await (sometimes with impatience)… I stay in one spot… I guess my favorite thing to say to my kids when growing up or to others was “hold on!” I’m not sure what they were to hold on to… and they asked me many times…but, it seemed a good answer… Don’t you just hate waiting in a line?  … Don’t you just hate waiting on slow traffic?  … Don’t you hate waiting on those that are never on time?… Don’t you just hate waiting on someone to make up their mind?  …So, as I sit here “waiting”  I decided to write a blog about “Waiting”  … at least I’m not getting all upset or as impatient… Do you have “waiting” anxiety?… Let me hear your waiting  stories!