Tag Archive | Death

Thoughts In My Mind…

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When your husband is told they have little time to live…
all kinds of thoughts run through your mind…
Disbelief…
Heartache…
Anger…
The why, the when, the where, the how…
WHY? … Cancer…
When? … No real answer… maybe a year… maybe longer…
Where?… Home or hospital…
How… Painfully or peacefully? …
Disbelief that the Doctors have read the scans wrong!…but, NO… They keep telling us it's true…
Heartache never leaves…
shifts from sad days… to good days to back to bad…Very surreal…
Anger with God… I can honestly say NO at this time…
Anger more of this disease that no cure has been found…
but, I don't hold God responsible for our pain… If anything I praise Him for the comfort He gives to me and my Bobby when we get down…
As a child of God… I know I am not immune to health issues, pain or sorrow…
but, I also know He brings me comfort , peace and joy…
I have not the answers to the questions of why my Bobby…or
why at this time…
I do know that in a blink of an eye things can happen…
So… I try to fill each moment with as much goodness as possible…
fixing good food …
keeping our home clean…
laughing…
joking…
being as generous as our budget can sustain…
having kind words and deeds for our friends, neighbors and family…
seeing the joy in the little ones who knock on our door for a popsicle or other treat…
sitting until midnight with neighbors in our front yard… talking of the things that are on our minds… Some good… some bad… some fun… some laughable…
sitting close without a word next to my Bobby…
and then going our separate ways to churn our thoughts in our minds…
As good as being together…
Moments of solitude can be helpful too…
We try to stay on task…
with repairs…
Spiffing up a few things for the sale of our home if need be…
Making sure insurance is up to date…
Taking note of where things are… to be able to lay my hands on quickly…
Making decisions that my Bobby has requested…
and will be carried through…
Reminding the boys that although we seem fine…
their Daddy will be leaving us …
and I will change…
I will probably need them more than ever…
but, I also will make decisions they might not like…
When this plate is handed to you…
you wake with it…
you go to sleep with it…
EVERYTHING you do has the backdrop of this… sometimes in full color and sometimes in black and white…
As much as you grow and learn…
there are times your heart aches with a pounding in your chest of such dread…
and the dam that you have been shoring up…
bursts with a flow of tears like it will never stop…
and as you can see by my writings…
Your mind is jumping from here to there…
from the present to the future in a blink of an eye…
in each breath you take…
I will rely on our God to keep us surrounded in His Loving Arms…
Keeping us in the knowledge that HE is with us…
and has prepared our way for this happening in our lives…
I will Praise His name and follow in His Grace that He brings to us…
so others will know the Love He has for them also… and His redemption was for all…
AMEN…

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Just an Update…

We walk around in pretty much of a daze…

When news is heard that you are going to die…

it’s hard to function…

My Bobby is so depressed… full of anxiety…

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I’m in a state of holding on…

and then the tears flow uncontrollably…

We are trying to keep busy…

but, really don’t care about anything…

We have taken walks…

We have visited people…

We talk to neighbors…

We have already received cards… phone calls… such precious words…

Have even received gift cards and anonymous moneys…

telling us…”try to enjoy ourselves”…

Love all… that say these words…

I know we are loved…

We have had to talk to nurses… doctors… social workers…VA reps. … Looked at hospice care…

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It’s just about all I can do to wake up and keep going…

and seeing Bobby suffering… is the hardest…

Have talked to professionals…

Another meeting in a week or so…

Meds given for anxiety…

I’m having to think funeral in the future… and get this arranged…

I stop!… and just can’t believe it!…

We… talk about everything…

No secrets…

No hiding issues…

We are in this together…

as we have been in marriage…

So… we have been to church…

Have been out to eat…

Have been over to the kids…

Have had Doug a little more for Bobby’s sake…

and trying to make plans to fix a few things around the house…

and then…

We collapse in silence…

Reach for each other…

and hug tight…

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Sometimes right in the middle of the store…

Our feelings are shown to each other…

We have so much love to help us through…

and of course our Faith that will keep us…

 

 

 

A Turn in the Road…

As I told a friend this morning…

Our road has taken a turn…

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The road to a long life together will be shortened…

We have had 47 years…

Not a short road by no means…

but, we had so many plans… in our minds…

things to finish…

things to visit…

things to do on our simple bucket lists…

But…

Life doesn’t work like we want all of the time…

Obstacles appear…

sometimes rocks… sometimes boulders…

sometimes hills… sometimes mountains…

sometimes creeks running slow… meandering along green pastures…

sometimes floods… heavy rains come down in a downpour…

God has given us many signs to relate how his world works…

The birds… animals…

The nature of weather…

The land how it grows and re-seeds itself…

The plants/trees that grown strong and then return to the Earth to make new soil…

and then there is HIS greatest creation… US!…

The birth of innocence…

The active/spontaneous child…

The youngsters discovering new things…

The young adults finding their way and setting goals…

The adults deciding on marriage/family/careers…

It’s beautiful isn’t it!…

Amazing… the perfectness of it…

So…

as my Bobby and I see this turn in the road…

crossing over “our bridge”… k12890945

looking toward “our sunset”… k8447935

we know it must be God’s plan…

The questions we have…

Does it matter…

We believe in a Heavenly Father who knows us so well…

that has created us…

who has listened to us…

who has directed us…

so we know HE will sustain us…

encourage us…

give us strength we never knew we had…

help us with burdens we seem to have no control of…

lead us to the right decisions …

and most of all…

LOVE us and hold us in his arms…

Feeling the security of having HIM with us,,,

Thank you Lord…

 

 

Heartfelt News!

This is not a Happy Post…

I come writing with such a heavy heart…

actually… a hurt that is not quenched with kind words, hugs, caring thoughts, visits, phone calls…

I love everyone who does all of these things and without I wouldn’t be able to pull it together …

I wouldn’t be able to put one foot in front of the other…

But, when I sit quietly… contemplating the words I have heard concerning my Bobby’s prognosis…

I shutter…

my stomach ties in knots… my heart breaks… the tears flow…

We had a scan done the 13th…

just a check up… a follow-up…

from taking Chemo for a year…

something was not right… and it had only been three months from last “good” scan…

After more blood work… and this scan…

Cancer has returned in another area…

and it is growing fast!…

and they sit and tell us as best they can…

that there is no cure…

treatments might give a little time... but, the stronger meds have really bad side effects…

Questions are running through our heads…

Decisions have to be made…

and we are entering into an actual losing battle…

Quality of life raises it’s head first in our thoughts… but, the will to live as long as we can… enters too…

Together… we always decide things together…

we opt for some treatments until not helping…

Port was replaced yesterday… for the drugs to be applied…

Long 5 hour days ahead… but, just once every other week… a bag taken home for two nights… and then removed… for a week…

same routine as we had just gone though…

but, this time our hearts are hurting with the knowledge of the inevitable…

My Bobby will pass…

My mind screams NO!…

We have hugged, kissed, held each other…cried….but, most importantly prayed…

Our goal to pray together each day…

and feel God’s love holding us and giving us some peace…

We have to talk…

we have things that need to be done…

Issues to be settled…

and as I have said… all decisions are ours to make together… as we have always done…

Oh…

the racing thoughts …

preparation…

finances…

selling the house???

how to spend our days…

Grandchildren to tell…

Knowing the last things that we will do together

We know we are not immune to heartache, loss, pain…

all suffer these things in life…

and knowing we have the Lord on our side… through this horrific part of life… is a Blessing in itself…

My Bobby is so sad… so heart-sick…

His thoughts are mainly about me…

and his sonsGrandkidssisters that love him and will be visiting soon from Georgia…

Friends/Family…

He sits in his swing outside… his favorite spot to hash out things that he has in his mind…

I am glad he has it…

I sit and write…

My release…

The kids hover…with not wanting to hear this…

offering to help and be by our side through it all…

We are Blessed!k13219157

 

Sunday Gratefuls: August 4, 11, 18, 25… 2013

Days slip slowly away…

Being busy doesn’t mean I’m not grateful

I see things every day and thank my Lord for them…

But, writing them down… sometimes doesn’t happen…

So catch-up time again!

August 4, 2013…

It is a bad week coming… My sister’s husband was going down fast… He had been sick for a long time…

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My sister is my Grateful… She shows such strength in doing her duties as a wife… but, mainly it’s her love that shows through…

Her love for her family… her husband and others…k3593382

Her love of her God… That has kept her going and not giving her more than she could bear…

August 11, 2013…

The day after the funeral of my sister’s husband…

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My grateful for all of the people who came to the funeral home… sent loving wishes… sent beautiful flowers… called… who gave of themselves…

What a blessing to see…

August 18, 2013…

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My grateful for a time to get away… laugh a little… cry a little… talk a lot… A day with my good husband who shows his love every day… and my sister a chance to unwind a little… because reality and every day life will seep back in quickly…

August 25, 2013…

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My grateful for my Little Family…

Visiting… eating together… watching a movie together… our chit-chat… catching up on weeks that had flown by without really seeing each other…

Gives my heart a full dose of love and fills me with thankfulness… that we care enough to want to be together…

So, I might be late in writing them down… but, the gratefuls are in me always!

Celebrating a Loved One!… Happy Birthday JoNell

A spur of the moment Birthday Celebration brought joy to my heart this evening…

My niece called and says, “We are going over to the cemetery to celebrate Mom’s birthday… k0060188

do you want to go?”…

I immediately said, “Yes!”… I’ll meet you there”…

I quickly called my sister to ask if she was able to go…

Her husband is quite ill… so it’s hard for her to make sudden decisions

He was having a good day… and she met me at my house in minutes…

I got together some silk flowers I had recently bought… and threw in a couple of chairs

Now, you would have to know that our sister that passed 5 years ago would just love this!… This was to be her celebration… she would have been 80 years old

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Her two daughters, a granddaughter and her two little ones, her son-in-law, a girlfriend of her daughter’s son, one of my sons, my sister and myself…

Not bad for a short notice party …

We met at the cemetery where the pink dogwoods were blooming, the geese k0110456 were everywhere, the air was just a little cool and the sun was shining bright

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My niece had brought cupcakes that she knew her Mom would have loved… The sweeter the better… shades of pale green, pink and yellow… k3160584

We placed the flowers I had brought along with my nieces… in the holder on the wall… commenting how we think alike in the colors chosen…

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Reading the dates on her marker seemed a little eery… Could it have been 5 years already?…

We sat and talked…  a few tears fell… but, mostly laughter… hugs and kisses

We wandered around the beautiful landscaped lawns

noticing the beautiful flowered treesOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

My sister in blue… and two nieces…OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA JoNell’s Great Grandchildren

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA  Two loving little boys…

My heart broke as the oldest one went over to the plaque/flowers and kissed it…

not realizing we were watching… Pure love

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA My oldest son and nephew…

I took a few photos… and felt the love that was emanating from my sister’s family that loved her so much…

She seemed to be there listening to the memories and enjoying the small talk… We recalling her wonderful laugh… and quick wit to always have a joke or tale to tell…

With the sun going downOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

we said our good bye’s and felt a peaceLove had been shown today… and it was good!

I Learned Today…

I went to my first Jewish Funeral untitledtoday… I had no idea what to expect

I have found the we, as people who know nothing of another’s heritage…background…customs…habits…or state/country… can have very contrived thoughts u17133365concerning these matters…

What we have perceived as ideas in our minds are nothing like the real thing

I expected a long service… Actually it was about 20 minutes

I went because it was a very good friend‘s Father k9654546that had passed after battling cancer and a stroke…

If I met her Dad…it was many years ago…and only one time…The same with her Mother…

I knew they were good peopleloving peoplefamily oriented k1543574…because that was the way their daughter is…

I felt the love…the fun…the happiness…the pride cof0368…as she talked about them at times…

My friend knows no boundaries in picking friends… She accepts them as they are k6972014… and treats them with dignity… care… and love…

At least that is how I have felt all of the 25+ years I have been her friend nri0123

I found the funeral home… Walking in… I could see lots of people who had come to show their respects…mingling…talking quietly…and sitting around…

I wondered if I should have bought flowers??? k10039601

Should I have made a dish of food???k8245658

Should I have worn a dress instead of slacks???

Yes, I had a few questions running through my mind…cof1923

I knew my friend would just like seeing me and others there… and needed nothing else… Just that we let her know we cared… was all she wanted…

Her thoughts were her Mom… her daughter… her brother…and others that had come to be by their side at this sad time

There are a few things I noticed that were different

We sign a book to show our attendance… Whereas a basket with small cards k2852738that you signed… sat on a table…

We are quite boisterous at times… greeting people… talking a lot… reminiscing about the person that has passed… Whereas that could have been happening… but, it was so much quieter… and a little more solemn

We have a room full of food and drinks… where people sit and chit-chat… and have a full day of this before the actual funeral service the next day…

Whereas there were two hours of visitation and then the funeral service… all within about a 3-hour period…

There is an abundance of flowers at our services…surrounding the casket of the deceased…

Whereas no flowers are wanted… Maybe one simple arrangement ats0025 in the area… but, not to resemble other faith’s ceremonies…

I noticed the casket was a beautiful wood… simple, dignified… so lovely…

I looked around and noticed some of the traditional Jewish men wearing a Kippah (Kipa)… a flat disk-shaped black hat 800px-Black_Kippah… worn during prayer

The Rabbi (Cantor) was at a podium as we do k5153468… addressing the people who are attending… Reading from the Psalms k7889174Saying a prayer in Hebrew u13897531… and then also in English… Quite lovely in a singing voice

The Rabbi honored my friend’s father in a eulogy as we do… Expressing his character… his sincerity…his love for his family k9616981 … his love of his faith… A beautiful testimony to a man who lived for his family, friends and hs chosen Faith…

Evidently my friend’s father had been well-respected… loved… and was a true asset to his community…

The Menorah k7825287 was lit with a single candle… called the Shamashwhich is used to light the other candles during Hanukkah

My friend’s father had expressed that he was going to miss Hanukkah with his family … an important event he loved… so the Rabbi did this to fulfill his wish of celebrating Hanukkah with his family

I especially was touched by this gesture…

I passed on the trip to the cemetery which I feel is such a personal thing for immediate family k9199780… But, I have read that Mitzvah is performed… placing a handful of dirt or using a shovel to place a small amount of dirt x26741846 into the grave… and the ancient words of consolation are said…

“Ha-Makom yerahem etkhem b’ tokh sha ar aveilei Tzion u Yerushalayim“…

“May the omnipresent comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem

The family and friends then go the home of the family for Shiva… There… visitors are received… a light lunch of simple foods k0020984 … and traditionally they will be in mourning for 7 days…

I have really enjoyed learning the customs of my friend and her family… Traditions x18626449… are such a part of all cultures… and I was glad to be there and partake today… I send them my condolences as well… God Bless!