Tag Archive | Illness

Live With Myself…

Since December 9th… our world has turned upside down…

Having to get my son psychiatric treatment was a battle…

but, with the Lord hearing my pleas… it happened…

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A week in a hospital… the details you would find horrendous!…

unless you have had to deal with this kind of illness in your life…

Fighting to find my son a place to stay… without being put in a homeless shelter…

Heart wrenching just writing about it!…

It seems as if it’s been forever in this changing situation… and yet it has only been weeks…

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My heart hurts now with the decision of never letting your son come home to live again…

I doubt that death could be much worst… after having him all 44 years of his life…

I hear the words of…

“You are doing the best thing”…

“This will be the best for him”…

“You will adjust”…

“He will adjust”…

“You are able to see him”…

“He can leave for short periods of time on his own”…

From my perspective…

“Have I failed him as a Mother?”…

“Could I have done more???”…

“Have I made the right choices?”…

“Is this the best for him?”…

“Will he be able to adjust?”…

“Will he blame me for this horrible disease?”…

that has taken his life away from him?…

“Will his Dad be able to cope with not having his son around to joke with…

to hang out with…

to have conversation and debates with?”…

“Will the tears ever stop?”…

“Will the sleepless nights quit?”…

No matter what others say…

I miss him!…

I miss even the battles!…

I don’t wake without my thoughts racing through all of the events in a lifetime that has led us here…

YES!… I hurt… and yet I know only time will help… only acceptance of this major change will help…

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I pray in a year from now… I can see some positive results from this decision…

and then maybe… just maybe… I can live with myself…

 

 

 

 

 

Not Giving Up!

I was reading a  by a fellow blogger about not giving up… I’ve never actually written anything about my son… He is private … and I have learned to  this… Private in that he hates the disease he was handed…

I hate it also!… It has been such a trial for both of us…

You see… he has bi-polar disorder 

Not something he asked for…

Not something I wanted for my sweet curly-headed little boy…

Not something we could quite put a finger on when he was growing up…

Not something that is pleasant

Not something as he has said… that I would wish  on anyone!…

Not something that is curable

Not something that goes away

Not something that is easily diagnosed…

Not something that others understand 

Not something that medications  always help…

It is something that completely destroys families  at times…

It is something that changes your moods … and is described as riding a roller coaster every day…

It is something that makes you feel like a time bomb  is inside…

It is something that builds up anger  in you at times…

It is so humiliating at times…

It is the worst feeling you can have…

It is never-ending

It is not understood  by others…

It is a trial and error  when finding the right medications that work…

It is a taking disease

It takes away your confidence

It takes away your chances for a happy life

It takes away your abilities to socialize

It takes away your want to live

Yes, we have been down a long road … 40 years of questions…

Not getting the help  that was needed…

Not finding someone who really cared …

Not finding someone who actually understood  the pain involved…

Not knowing from day-to-day what it was going to be like

Then a revelation!

I can’t fix this!…

I turned to God … and said,

“YOU have to take him!”…

“YOU have to lead us!”… 

“YOU have to give us answers”…

“YOU have to wrap your arms around us and give us some peace!”…

“YOU, Lord have to intervene… and “I” will step aside until YOU need me to help…

My boy… yes, he will always be “my boy”  even when I am old and gray and he is old and gray as well…

I admire the courage  he has had…

The love  I see emanating from him…

The caring heart

The funny side  that always surprises me…

The wise decisions he makes…

The helping hand he gives …

NO, I was not going to give up!…

This was my child

He was so worthy to have more, but we have done the best we could…

So I say, “Don’t give up… help that one person… and you will be truly blessed    in ways that you will never understand… You don’t have to change the world… just one thing or one person at a time is what God is watching and wanting from us…

I have learned! … You can make a difference with the Lord in your heart!

http://youtu.be/9nZkq31J-GY